can't hate you

can't do this

I walk into school, alone since George went before me, and walk over to my locker. All tried while other people are already laughing and running.

I look over to George and his friend group before I decided to walk past them, hoping that George would at least smile at me.

I slowly walk past them, keeping my eyes on George, but he doesn't look at me.
"walk faster!" Tim shouts and then George looks at me.

"snail!" Tim starts to laugh and George does too.

I sigh as i make my way to class, since it's about to start, and then I spot Alex. "hey." he tiredly says "haven't you slept?" i ask.

"I did.. i slept 14 hours." he says "damn-" i say as i pack my things out and the lesson Beginns.

i get the picture of George laughing at that joke back inside my head.. and it hurts. It really hurt seeing him like that.

but he told me the reason.
He's scared.. he's scared about outing himself.

he's scared that if people see us together they'll say that he's gay too, which is true, but his parents can't know.

I mean.. that's something i can understand.
But when he picks on me with others... it's just hurtful.

he said that he has to, otherwise his friends would call him gay and disgusting.

I don't get why he wants to stay friends with them while they make fun of George without knowing.

they're awful children's and I hope that one day they'll pay for what they did to other people.

Like to Alex.

they beat him up until he couldn't move an inch anymore. George wasn't with them, but he also didn't say anything afterwards.

even though George is like a drug to me, I've to stop seeing him if he doesn't change this. I'm not going to keep doing that.

Either George changes things with his friends or with me. If he stays with them, i can't stay with him.

He can't even look at me or smile.. how does he think I feel? when the one I love ignores me in public. 

They'll make him an awful person..

10am

I watch George looking on his phone while walking the hallway down all alone. I look around before I quickly pass him, but carefully hand him a piece of paper.

I look back and catch him looking back, but he turns back around as soon as Tim's voice appears.

he gives me a weird look, before putting his arm around George and walking away.

it makes me jealous.
seeing his arm around George and not my arm.

I wish George would do something against it, but he doesn't which I don't get why. He has a boyfriend, me.

why would he let other people touch him like that?

"hey." Alex appears in front of me "what's up?" i smile at him. "are you hungry?" he asks "a little." we make our way to the cafeteria.

"I'm hella hungry!" Alex says in his goofy voice, i just shake my head with a smile.
Both of us take our food and make ourselves outside.

"It's kinda warm." Alex says "whatever. it's nice to eat outside." i sit myself down and wait for Alex who's just standing there.

"what if wasps come?" he asks, i laugh "you still scared of them?"
"of course!" he tries to hide his laugh as he sits down.

"they're gone by now." i say as i eat the food.

"what about you and George?" he asks, i stay quiet "what about us?" i ask. "is he still acting like that?" Alex asks clearer.

"I don't think i will continue being his boyfriend." i say "what? really?" he looks with wide eyes at me.

"either he's going to act like we're friends, since he's not ready to come out which I completely understand, or I'm gone." i tell Alex.

"when are you going to tell him?" he asks "today." i say "i gave him a note saying he should go outside at 10:50am."

"are you going to do that here?" he asks "yes, here." I say. "good luck buddy!"

10:52

after two minutes I see George from the distance. I walk to the spot where it's more quiet and none can see or hear us.

"hey." he hugs me "hey George." I say as he kisses my cheek. "I'm sorry that Tim said that." he apologises "you didn't have to laugh at that." I say.

"but that's another Story." I say "yeah.. you wanted to talk to me?" he tilts his head what makes my butterflies go wild.

"yes." I slowly calm down again.

"I wanted to talk about us." I say and his look immediately changes. "we've been together now for about seven months, right?"

George nods.

"and I don't think I can keep seeing you." I finally say and his eyes wide. "w-what do you mean by that?" he quietly asks.

"I can't stand it." I say "I'm like a joke to you."
"that's not true!" he says. "you can't even look at me!" I say "you completely ignore me!"

"I told you the reasons!" he says "you can at least talk to me like a normal person!" I get louder.

"they'll think I'm gay!" he says "you're gay!" I shout.
we look each other into the eyes while I slowly calm down.

"look- I'm not saying you should out yourself. I understand that you're not ready and I'm not mad about it!"

"i want you to act like we're friends or at least that we get along with each other." I tell him.

"you know I can't do that.." he mumbles with tears in his eyes, what makes my heart hurt.
"once my friends found out we talked and they immediately called me gay." he says.

"that's-" I start but he cuts me off "while I was on the phone with my father." he says.

"you don't get it. my father hates those people- us people. If I told him he would kill me- he would throw me out of my house!" George tells me.

"you can come to my house-" I say "no- I've a mother and a sister who will suffer under it too."

"you can take your sister and mother with you! my house got enough space!" I say "my mother would never do that.. she feels too bad."

"and she's also against it." he looks into my eyes "maybe not as bad as my father but also not really better."

I feel guilty and disgusting.

"but if you can't life like that I understand. It is hard so I'm not mad at you." he wipes a tear away.

"I'm sorry.." I apologise "don't-" I cut George off "no, I should've talked normally instead of saying all that at once."

"it's okay. I should've talked to you about this earlier." he says and I give him a small smile.

"at least don't let them touch you that much.. I don't like it." I grab his waist and pull him closer before kissing him.