Lust » bangchan

chapter 17: you're a scar

"Chan, is Soojin okay?"

Chan lifted his head up from the dining table, flinching as if he had just been woken up from a daze, "Huh?"

Felix asked again, "I've barely seen her around for the past six days. She doesn't come to dinner as well. Is she doing okay?"

"I..." the leader had no answer, knowing the reason behind her absence. His hold on the chopsticks loosened, mind running overdrive yet again.

Was Soojin actually okay? He did not know; he was afraid to know.

"Channie, are you doing okay?" Changbin, sitting beside him, rested a hand on his shoulder, "Did you guys have a fight?"

"I... um, yeah. Sort of," Chan lied through his teeth, unable to decide what to tell them. It was probably one of the rare moments when he could not make a decision; when he could not be responsible for his actions. He desperately wanted to undo all his past deeds -- ever since he had met her.

The guilt for his recent act had made him rather indecisive and anxious -- he was trying not to hate her, and more than that, he was trying not to hate himself.

Was he still holding onto the fact that she had disrupted his life? Perhaps. And was he holding himself responsible for the reason why she had not shown up to the dinner in six days? Most definitely.

"Chan, it's okay," Seungmin gently spoke, "Couples fight. It's okay. You should get her some food in her room."

He froze.

Meeting her again? Facing her after how relentlessly he had used her? He almost shuddered.

"Alright, I will..."

The dinner was soon over, and Minho plated some food for Soojin, handing it to Chan. The oldest nodded in a thankful manner, but before he could turn away and go, Minho held him by his arm.

"Chan, I don't want to intrude but..." Minho spoke hesitantly, "Is it very serious?"

"Um, no," Chan tried to smile, but Minho rolled his eyes.

"We can see through that facade, Chan. We've known each other for a while."

Chan's smile faltered, but he falsely reassured, "Hey, it's all good. Seriously. It's just an argument that turned ugly. I'll sort it out with her, don't worry."

"Alright... I trust you."

Chan knew he was not capable of receiving those words anymore.

---

He knocked on Soojin's door, breathing heavily, licking his dry lips. A timid knock traveled through the wooden door, but he received no answer.

Chan knocked again. Twice. Yet, no answer.

"S-Soojin?" his voice came out croaked and hoarse, and he cleared his throat, speaking again, "I'm... I know, sorry won't mean anything anymore. But I am sorry. For everything."

Moments later, he heard the door unlocking, and it swung open slowly to reveal a distraught Soojin -- hair messed up, tear-stained cheeks, dried lips, and eyes so, so dull. It pained Chan to see that he was the cause of this anguish.

At that moment, he did not care that she was someone who had caused him trouble. He did not care how selfish she might have been. All he knew, right there, was that he had failed his upbringing, his morals, his character. 

Soojin did not speak anything, simply staring at him through numb, stoic eyes. Her expression was too calm -- as if it was the calm before the storm. Not a single syllable left her mouth. She just gravely stared at him. 

Ever since he had met her, he had never seen her that lifeless. 

"Soojin, I-" 

"I know," she intervened. He stood quietly, so she continued, "You're sorry, right?" 

Chan wordlessly nodded. 

"And you probably feel that you shouldn't have... used me like that." 

Another guilt-ridden nod. 

"But, Bang Chan," she inhaled, "I thought you were different." 

He stood motionlessly, and let her continue, when her lower lip quivered, and a tear escaped her eyes, "I thought you were a healer. I thought... I thought loving you would heal me, heal all my scars, heal all my cracks and edges. I loved you, Chan." 

His heart broke. He had never cared for her -- he was sure that all this emotion toward her was the seed of guilt planted inside him -- but now, at the present moment, he wanted to forgive her. To forgive all her deeds, all the inconvenience caused by her. He just wanted to stop feeling so horrible, and to stop seeing someone feel horrible, especially when he had caused it. 

Soojin sniffled, "But I was obviously wrong. I was wrong to love you. I should have never, ever, seen that live. Watched you online. Thought about seeking comfort in you..." she sighed a long, heavy sigh, "You might be a healer to many, but to me, you're a scar -- a scar that might never heal." 

"I know I can't do anything to undo that pathetic act of mine, and I'm truly sorry. How can I make it better? Please," Chan ran his free hand through his hair in frustration at feeling so terrible, "Please tell me how I can help you. I need you to feel better, Soojin." 

She chuckled humorlessly, "It hurt me to say all that to you, Chan. Because no matter how pathetic I might sound now, I still love you."

She paused, blinking back to hold her tears, "I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you've done to me, but then again, I caused you trouble, right? It's not justified. It will never be. This is toxic, but Chan, you saved me when I was at my worst. I thought you'd keep saving me. So foolish of me..." 

"Soojin, I will never hurt you again," Chan was sobbing, too, "I cannot... I cannot love you, but I can try to be a better person." 

"The damage has been done, Chan..." Soojin gritted her teeth, tightening her jaw, as teardrops fell to the ground,

"I am pregnant." 

(a/n: bet y'all saw it coming lmao 

i wrote all this in under 30 minutes, so if this didn't hit hard, I AM SORRY :(( 

but did you like this? 

thanks for reading! i love you!)