Troyexia Nervosa.x//troyler au

Introduction.

  I've tried everything from diets to starving to exercising. Yet, I'm still so fucking fat. Why the hell am I so fat? I feel like I don't fit into my skin, and I suppose everyone else knows it, too, because they are always smiling their stupid false smiles and telling me how 'beautiful' and 'perfect' I am, to boost my ego only so they can tear it right back down.

  Shut the fuck up.

  We both know that if there wasn't a huge crowd of people behind you, you wouldn't be saying that. I see the pain in your eyes as they rake over my frame, scrutinising all I have on display. I notice it, whether you think I do or not. In fact, why don't you just fucking tell me how gross I am to my face? It's not like I haven't heard it before.

  I know I'm gross. If you insist that I'm okay, just take another look. Go ahead, lift up my shirt. You won't see a toned stomach. You won't see flawless pecs. You won't see a tattoo or a cute little drawing someone made on there. As if I would have a friend to do that, anyway. What you'll see is skin, made up of nothing but fat, fat, and more fat. You'll hate me for being so hideous.

  The scale is always getting lower. 72.7, 71.2, 70.4, 70, 69, 68. I'm barely eating anything, of course, the weekly calories adding up to around 25 once I count everything in my 192 grams of salad that I rationed throughout it. I'm never skinny enough, though. I'll never be skinny enough for Ana. Not until all I am left with are bones.

  And then these bitches, like my sister and my cousins and my mum, have the nerve to tell me that I'm not getting the proper nutrients and calories for someone of my age and whatever. Why would I listen to their criticism on my body? My body? Please, they wouldn't even pretend to say that if they knew what the scale told me. They would make me drop my diet coke and salad. They would possibly even reduce me to just water.

  I know about my nutrients. I mix drinks with various chemicals, making sure that I get the necessary vitamins, minerals, and all other vital components for the human body. My science teacher always thought it was for a project. Sure, it is, if you count wanting to be smaller as a project.

  Every time I take a shower I will look in the mirror and see fat EVERYWHERE. When I get in, I make sure to swallow water and help to empty my stomach, purging until my throat is burning like acid and my nose can't handle the scent. Smart Water helps to replenish the electrolytes – I'm not stupid, I know that I need those. And then I get out of the shower, rub the moisture off of the glass, and I see even more fat, because honestly with all of these heaps of excess skin how is there any way to say anything even remotely other than it? It's endless, the amount of dissatisfaction I have with my body – but wouldn't you, too, if you saw a boy shorter than average and as fat as 62 fucking kilos?