Troyexia Nervosa.x//troyler au

Troyexia Nervosa.

  Okay, so I know that a lot of people talk about there being 'voices' in their head, telling them to do this and that. And every single time, the voices are either bad, controlling, or sometimes even both.

  My 'voice' is Ana. A lot of people have her, but I like to think that I am special to her. In reality, it's only a way to make me feel better about myself, a way to satisfy my being by increasing my self-esteem.

  I'm sure you know of Ana. Have you ever heard of Anorexia Nervosa? People say it's a disease, a disease of the brain that distorts one's body image and makes them want to do everything they can to be thin. And they say that Anorexia is a horrible mental illness, commonly resulting in suicide. But Ana isn't like that, I know it. Ana only wants what is best for me. If I'm not strong enough to live up to her expectations, I will be punished. My stomach might ache because she's mad at me, or I might purge for hours because Ana wants everything to be out, including my defiance. It's the perfect trade-off. She's much more supportive than my mother, who encourages me to eat all the time, because she doesn't care enough about me, having not a clue about what I'm doing to be thin. Ana is much more of a mother than she will ever be.

  So I listen to her.

  And I've put my trust in her for almost five long, cold years.

  I trust her with my life, my mind, my body;

  I trust her with my heart.

♡x.x♡

  "Troye, you haven't even acknowledged your avocado toast."

  I stare blankly at the food before me, thinking of the nutrition facts. It's disgusting. There are two slices of whole wheat bread, 60 calories each. 22 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fat, 4 grams of sugar.

  The avocados, a half of a cup and smothered over the toast like vegemite, come up to 117 calories, with 6 grams of carbs and 11 grams of fat.

  The bits of thyme and chives sprinkled over have 4 calories added together.

  And the poached eggs – there's two of them – are 142 calories, with 8.4 grams of fat, and 1 gram of carbs.

  All together, my food comes up to a horrific total of 323 calories, 33 grams of carbs, and 21.4 grams of fat. Just that alone could send me keeling over the toilet, and I would also have an expanded stomach from its size. And she wonders why I won't eat it.

  I glance up at her with a dull expression, hoping she'll let me go without having to eat this, but she doesn't. She looks right back at me, her eyes narrowed in exasperation. I huff and look back down at the food, crossing my arms and becoming irritated with her.

  We do this all the time. She makes breakfast for everyone. They scoff it down like fat pigs, smiling and not even taking sips of water between their bites. They have a single glass of orange juice that's gulped down after they eat. I don't eat my food. Whether it has 184 calories or 568 calories, it's always too much for me. Whilst everyone else waddles off to school or work, whichever one they attend, I'm left here with my mum at the breakfast table, making a spoiled face at her food.

  I don't know why she hasn't noticed my relationship with Ana. I think it's pretty obvious. I mean, I'll eat in front of them and when no one's eyes are on me, I spit it into my napkin. I fold it up and deposit it in the bin, walking away without another word. I know that Mum sees me doing my stunts, though.

  Then, I'll purposely not turn on the water when I'm purging in hopes someone might overhear. I'm not ashamed of Ana. She's what makes me who I am, so of course I love her. But she doesn't want me to outwardly tell them about her. She's says it would be a magnificent surprise if I allowed my family to figure it out all on their own.