Just A Thought

24

VALERI

Madelin

Madelin: Down for a party? Ayna, Mers and others will be there too. Ask Alex and Zach if they wanna come.

Me: ofc when

Madelin: 9PM

Me: alr

She texts me an address. I put my phone down and roll on my back.

It's 8pm now.

I stand up and rub at my eyes. I need a shower. I take some clothes and turn on the fifth shower today. I tried to clean off their touch but it didn't go away.

When I'm done I put on some basketball shorts-as usual, a croptop and a zip up. I look in the mirror and brush my long hair. I do myself an eyeliner and when I'm satisfied with my look I get back in my bedroom. I take some painkillers. It's like a habit now, I guess?

I take my bag and put everything I need in it.

I check the time. 8:30pm.

I glance up and stare at the wall. Everything is so distant now. It doesn't feel real. Do you know this feeling when you look down at your hands and realise you're a counscous mind living in a body?

I've been feeling like this for quite a lot of time now. Especially the last four days since I ate dinner with my brother and Zach.

I sigh and lie back. I stare at the ceiling and wish...

Wish I could go back or wish nothing has ever happened. Wish I would wake up everyday with a smile on my face thinking it's another day.

But it's right the opposite now. Most of the time I wish I wouldn't wake up at all. I just want to be in that unknown darkness. In peace. I wish I could stay there forever.

I wish i could sleep forever. Without dreams. Be unconscious, when you don't even know you're alive, a living creature.

Yeah well, I'm still alive, aren't I?

I close my eyes and breathe in. I pull at my hair.

I look at my phone. 8:47pm.

I need to go downstairs.

But why is it that hard to get up? Why does it have to be so hard? It's like my mind freezes. Like I'm on the edge of standing up but it feels like my mind won't let me.

Okay, I must get downstairs.

I finally pull myself up, take my bag and leave my room. I walk down the stairs and see Alex and Zach talking in the living room.

"Where are you going?" My brother asks.

"Out with others. Madelin said you two should come too, if you want."

I see them look at each other. "Sure. Give us a minute."

ZACHARY