Enervation

Chapter 4 A troubled past

Throughout my teenage years I began to grow up faster than the average kid. I think that mainly had to do with helping raise my sister while mom was working or going to school.

My mom eventually moved into a small Two bedroom apartment. I slept on the couch and had a few things packed in a closet while my mom and sister both had rooms. I was fourteen starting middle school around this time. I think this was one of my most pivotal times in my life. I still talked to my dad and would stay with him from time to time.

Mom of course didn't like it when I stayed over at my dads. I often got in trouble in school, but it was mostly small stuff like speaking out at a student or teacher, rebellious teen stuff.

It wasn't until I started high school that my perception of things started to change. Eventually I did meet Rodnie in ninth grade, and we seemed to hit if off. I tried to talk to girls at times, but I was always painfully shy. I did end up meeting this girl and we did eventually get serious, but high school relationships never always work out.

After graduating high school Rodnie and I did still talk, but he eventually moved away to Florida to live with his mom. I was left alone, or so it seemed. After my diagnosis I was put on medication, but I didn't stay consistent with it. I often hung out with a group of friends.

Although this group of friends was obviously not looking out for my well-being. I would sneak out of the house to smoke marijuana and sometimes sell pills to make money. Mom got tired of it all and gave me an ultimatum. She told me if I didn't start thinking about getting a job or going to college that I would be kicked out.

I did eventually find a job working as a stock and inventory worker at a local grocery store. Although I did end up getting fired for selling my pills in the parking lot. I ended up getting kicked out of my moms and moved in with my grandparents.

I did eventually find work at a warehouse packing food products. A few years went by I eventually got my own apartment near downtown Baltimore. I started really coming up in the world and was doing okay. I worked at a restaurant in town and eventually became a manager.

This success would unfortunately not last long though...

Intercom: All patients, please report to the dining hall for dinner hour... All patients, please report to the dining hall for dinner hour

The intercom rang me out of my trance, it seemed to echo for what seemed like hours. I looked up at the clock, it seemed to spiral into infinity almost like looking into a kaleidoscope. This is strange? Something seems different now?

I opened the door, it seemed heavier than usual? Almost like pushing a brick wall?

The door did move eventually, I found myself out in the hall, but nobody was around? Everything is dark, did someone shut off the lights?

I made my way to the cafeteria, but no one was there not a soul in sight. Suddenly I hear Harry's voice. He seems stressed, agitated, confused? I try to talk to him, but my words are all jumbled. Harry starts to speak in tongues. I suddenly awoke to Harry shouting at me.

Harry: Terrance!... Terrance!?... are you awake?...

Terrance: "Gasp!" ...

Harry: it's alright buddy!... it's me Harry

Terrance: Harry? ... What happened?

Harry: You okay man? I walked in here and saw you rambling to yourself?...

Terrance: ...Oh... Okay, sorry I guess I had an episode...

Harry: it's alright buddy, it's dinner time... are you hungry?

Terrance: ...Oh...yea okay...

Harry: Let's go...

We made our way to the cafeteria, on tonight's menu seemed to be saulsberry steak. It's strange how a lot of these meals seem familiar almost like meals I would have around lunch time in school.

I suddenly broke out of my trance again to a conversation Chuck and Harry were having.

Chuck: Bakball!

Harry: I know Chucky! I'm looking forward to the game tomorrow too, what about you Terrance?

Terrance: Oh... yea...yea me too

It's interesting how when my mind sometimes checks out. Not like shuts down, but that when listening to a conversation I'm there but also somewhere else.

I can hear Chuck and Harry talking, I know their having a conversation. Although I can sometimes respond when Harry talks to me. But it's like I'm on autopilot, if that makes any sense. It's as if I'm partially here, but some part of me is currently absent temporarily.

Suddenly dinner hour is over, and it's now curfew. Time seems to distort here, like being in the grips of a marijuana high. Time seems to drag on but also, I get these pauses or breaks in time. It's as if someone or something is pressing a fast forward button. The sequence of time doesn't seem to make sense, and timelines all seem to get jumbled or blurred.

I tried to get to sleep but I just couldn't. Every time I thought I drifted off I would be jerked awake almost as if I was waking up from a nightmare. But this nightmare was real life and the dream a merciful break from it all.