Taking Over Me

Memories and Regrets

It has been...what, a week and a half now? I don't know. I don't really care either. What's the point? There's nothing for me to look forward to.

                There's no more Danielle so my life is...pointless now.

               

                My daily, repeated routine consists of lying in bed all day, barely eating and every once in a while forcing myself to take a cold shower. Danielle would say that I'm barely taking care of myself. But like I said, I see no point in trying anymore.

                I'm emotionally shut down. I still haven't shed a tear over her death, but I feel dead. I feel like I'm dying. The world seems grey and slow to me. I can't function. Not without her.

                Her family has already started working out plans for her memorial service. I haven't volunteered to speak, because I honestly wouldn't know what to say.

                I don't even want to go in the first place, but I know that it would be selfish of me if I didn't show up. I just don't want to see her body; her lifeless, un-moving body.

The image of her on the hospital bed haunts me. I've stopped trying to convince myself that this whole thing is a dream. I know it's not.

                The reality of her death is starting to sink in yet I still keep waiting for her to show up at the door...

                I lie on my bed and turn to the small picture on my night stand, trying my hardest not to fall apart. I try not to think too hard about the memories of that frozen moment.

                I have to admit, I'm scared to break. If I fall apart it would be like a ton of bricks, hard, and I don't know if I could ever come up from it. She will break me. She is breaking me.

                Falling apart could be like what happens to a house when it burns down. You can try building it back up again, but it will never be the same. But do I even want to be the same again?

                I exhale a shaky breath, feeling my chest tightening as I stare at it the picture of the two of us at the park. One of my favorite memories of us. 

                She used my camera to capture me kissing her cheek as she flashes a gorgeous smile at the camera. There's a moment for all couples that would let them know what they really know in their relationships. Some would know they want to break up, some would figure out that their doubtful of the relationship. But at that moment I realized I wanted forever with her. I knew I wanted forever with her.

                That picture was taken about 6 months ago. I still remember it like yesterday. Back then everything was clear. It hurts to look back. I wish I could live that day again.

                ***

                "It's so beautiful out," Danielle says as she lies beside me on the grassy hill in the city park. I give a content sigh and intertwine my fingers with hers.