Ardent | Elijah Mikaelson

Chapter 38

Evangeliya was restless.

All she could think about was everything that could be happening outside the house. What if Mikael had found them just as they returned to New Orleans? What if this gathering Hayley planned between the vampires and wolves went astray? What if Rebekah died before she got to Arkansas?

She should have been focusing on the little girl who kept demanding her attention, whining and reaching out, begging for Evangeliya to hold her. She should have been focusing on the blonde who was now stress-cooking a complex meal, driven to anxiety because she'd helped betray Finn and with him out and about, there was no telling what could happen to her, and she knew it.

It took about two seconds for Cami to realize just how displeased she was. Though she was perfectly respectful in the way she spoke to her and Hope, it was so obvious that something was on her mind. She couldn't sit still, she kept smacking the couch cushions to adjust them, and when she'd brought out some drinks to have a chat, Evangeliya had downed almost an entire bottle of whiskey without paying much attention.

"Okay, spill," urged Cami as she rocked Hope in her arms. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing," said Evangeliya, staring out the window. "Just wondering what's going on in New Orleans. They should be back by now, they left hours ago."

"You wanted to go with them."

"I'm needed here."

"Doesn't mean you like being here. Whatever's said in this house stays in this house, you know. I don't think it would hurt to talk about how upset you clearly are that Elijah made you stay here."

She shook her head. "I chose it."

"After he pressured you a whole lot. You two have a very deep connection, there's no denying that. You've helped each other through rough patches, almost lost each other a couple of times, I get it, you want to protect one another. But I think sometimes you both take that desire too far and it becomes about control. You want to control every bit of your surroundings and it clashes especially when he's more 'in charge' than you. It's okay to be bitter about that."

Evangeliya grimaced. "I don't want to be here. I feel useless, I feel... I feel..."

"Trapped," reasoned Cami. "This reminds you of when you were held captive, doesn't it?"

Her eyes stared at the furthest point outside, past the trees that lined the road. "I hated every second of it. I ran from Klaus for five hundred years and was never found, never got kidnapped, never got hurt. I always found a way to survive. I was strong. Or I thought I was. Seems I confused being strong with something else. Being clever maybe, or just resourceful. I was able to survive but if I were strong, if I really were, I wouldn't have been defeated so easily. All I wanted to do was be kind and help Josh. Mikael's right. I'm not vicious anymore. Maybe I never was. If I was ruthless, this wouldn't have happened. But if I were more ruthless, I'd be someone I hate. It causes me to make bad decisions, to be overly arrogant. It hurts people and it ruins everything. All I want is to rip Davina apart for what she did to me but I can't hurt her. She's just a kid, deep down I know I would have done the same thing if I was in her shoes. So the best alternative is to enact my revenge on Mikael but I can't do that from here, I can't avenge myself, I can't feel free if I don't even help take him down. I didn't even escape on my own and now I'm not even hurting the people who hurt me to get back at them. I need closure, I always have it, and now I don't and it drives me crazy. I'm not the fierce woman I thought I was. I'm... I'm pathetic. If I were any better, I wouldn't be in this position, I wouldn't be here."

"You are strong, and you are also resourceful and clever. You've had to be many things to survive. You're choosing the path you want, being kinder and more considerate of others. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't make you weak. I do see how breaking the routine is difficult; you've always had to look out for yourself and get revenge on your own, but you don't need to anymore, and it's not easy to adjust. I think Elijah's probably figuring he can do it for you, and simultaneously keep his own father from hurting you. At the same time, I don't think he understands how much it means that you close that circle yourself, and how being here makes you feel like you're a prisoner all over again. Did you tell him all that you told me?"