Tent City

Chapter 11 - Andy

My insomnia returned the night I helped Kelsie off the shower floor. I had been living in the commandeered bunker with my militia for close to 3 years. My soldiers and I had grown accustomed to the way of life and protection the bunker had provided us. There were very adept hunters within our ranks.

The farming pods provided us with an abundance of fresh fruit, essential grains, and vegetables. While our medical supplies are at a critical level. We don't starve. We lived like them, the bunker dwellers. While we lived like bunker dwellers; Kelsie, her brother, and everyone like her died of starvation, dehydration, disease, infections, malnutrition, and whatever illnesses manifested from this malnutrition. I felt selfish.

I hoped that Lee's mission to procure medical supplies would be successful and end soon. I missed him. He was the true leader of the Outcast Freedom troop, I was just the second in charge and the stand-in leader until he returned. 

Saving Kelsie and Ben from death, and providing them medical care using our critically low medical supplies didn't sit well with a lot of my fellow soldiers, as a result, a lot of them have lost respect for me and doubt my leadership abilities. Ben, being the little social man he is, has won some of my doubter's back. He provides a morale boost, but there are still those who see Ben and Kelsie as nothing more than a drain on resources and useless to our cause and protection from those who wish to take back the bunker or commandeer it for themselves. 

It seems lately that there is a rise in wanderers, mercenaries, raiders, and slavers encroaching on the territory surrounding our bunker. I have scouts and strategically placed traps and soldiers to protect the bunker. But they are getting exhausted. We've lost a few in clashes with raiders and slavers. The numbers are dwindling and while there are always wanderers who are willing to join our militia, none possess the skills needed to fight, so they are refused entry into our militia, some leave peacefully, but desperation causes many to become violent and endanger us, so they have to be killed for our protection.

 As you can guess, killing innocent people who just want to survive in a world that has been ruined by the rich, causes a lot of guilt, and trauma, to those that have to kill them. They don't understand why I refuse entry into the bunker and kill men and women who can be trained to fight for us, but happily take on a 4- year -old boy and a weak teenage girl who was on death's door into our midst. This was a contributing factor to my telling Kelsie that once she was better, I'd train her to fight.

To be honest, I don't know why I did it either, maybe I've become soft, maybe I couldn't bring myself to leave a four - year old boy and his sister out in the wilderness to die. Maybe my need to move on from Marcie caused me to latch on to the next pretty woman I saw, which happened to be Kelsie. Or maybe I craved a family so much that I wanted to save them in the hope that Kelsie would fall in love with me and I'd finally have a family to look after and protect. I chuckled to myself, How pathetic. 

I twisted and turned. Yeah, I was getting no sleep tonight. My thoughts only consisted of Kelsie, to begin with anyway, I was happy and warm. Then the memories of the people I killed, the wanderers that I shot in the head because their desperation turned to violence. I had to make a choice, protect my fellow soldiers, or let them be killed by a stranger. My thoughts turned from happiness to dread and my blood into ice.

My heart pounded like drums, my palms became sweaty, and my breathing was shallow. I knew I was having a panic attack. I wanted to go to Kelsie, but I didn't want her to see me at my most vulnerable, I didn't want to tell her that I've killed what could be hundreds of innocent wanderers some younger than her to protect the lives of those who live in the bunker and the soldiers under my command. She'd never look at me the same again.

 To her, I was the hero that saved her life and the life of her little brother, heroes don't have panic attacks, and heroes don't kill innocent people, some just coming out of their childhood. I couldn't have an attack in front of Ben either. He wouldn't understand. The only person who could help me through my panic attack was the only person who was there with me and understood the choice I had to make when I killed innocent people. The very same person who held me as I collapsed on the floor of my room, after every kill, wailing for the wanderers who have lost their lives by my hand. The same hand also wanted to tenderly brush Kelsie's hair from her eyes or gently wipe the tears from her cheek.

I was shaking uncontrollably, and my legs felt as though they'd collapse from under me when I finally reached Marcie's room. I knocked, hoping she was in, and to my relief, she was. She opened the door, and she knew as soon as she saw me what I needed. I barely made it inside before my legs gave out and collapsed. I wailed just like I did the many nights in the past when I had to kill innocent people. She sat with me, pulled me into her arms, whispered words of comfort and reassurance, as  I shook with emotion and just like the many nights before, she kissed me with her full lips so passionately that I didn't fight her or tell her to stop and like the many times before I ended up spending the night with her. 

I awoke the next morning, my face buried in her mass of curly black hair, my arm around her naked curvaceous body, and the all too familiar feeling of guilt and dread building inside. The guilt was so intense that I felt as though I needed to vomit. I needed to get out of there and try not to wake her. I hastily pulled on my clothes, which now smelt of Marcie's perfume, carried my boots, and stealthily exited her room. I was glad that Marcie's door did not screech or rattle when it opened or closed.  I crossed my fingers, hoping not to run into anyone else in the hallway, I looked to the wall to check the time. It was 4:00 am. I needed to run, and in about 5 minutes, the halls would be starting to fill with the early morning starters. I was glad I was doing the late shift today, which meant that Kelsie would have nurse Jones as her standby tonight. I made it to my room just as the clock hit 4:05 am. I showered and crawled into bed, at least I'd get some sleep now, I whispered to myself as I drifted to sleep.