Waste Of Time (Seongjoong)

~15~

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"I fucked up."
I said staring at San and his pretty tan skinned boyfriend with his head rested against San's thigh, the older gently tousling his hair, his full attention directed on Wooyoung, just as he preferred it be.

They were a perfect couple, seemingly understanding of one another constantly, and so unimaginably in love it was annoying in the most perfect and adorable way possible, and I couldn't be happier for them.

"Does it involve me or Wooyoung?"
San asked not taking his eyes off the boy in his lap.
"I mean, no."

"So it's a you and only you problem?"

"It involves someone else."

San glanced up at me.
"Who?"

"Park Seonghwa,"
Wooyoung's voice chimed in,
"The hot blonde one you were talking about, like, every single day?"
San laughed.
"Yeah, the one you like so much that you just keep lying to yourself and saying he's just a 'fuck buddy'... That Seonghwa?"
The two laughed to themselves.
"Yeah him."
I replied flatly.
"And what did you say to him?"
San had amusement ran through his voice, though this whole topic was far from funny.
"I accidentally told him I used him for his body."
I cringed.

Both San's and Wooyoung's heads snapped twords me. Wooyoung jarring his body up as straight as pin.
"How was that accidental?!"
San boomed in disbelief.
"Oh trust me, I'm just as mortified as you are."
They silently stared at me. Wooyoung's eyes occasionally dodging around the room, or flashing San quick glances.
"You could say something. I already feel bad enough."
I complained. Unconsciousness looking very appealing at this point, that or running out of the couple's apartment never to return. San sighed, his arms reaching out to grasp at his boyfriend, forcing Wooyoung to lie back down to where he was a few minutes ago.

"Can I get a background?"
I thoroughly explained everything that had happened, leaving out details Seonghwa had sheared of himself that I didn't think felt like my place to shear. I relayed the conversation I'd had with Jeonghan, and how I had waited a week to even speak to Seonghwa. I explained the conversation I had with Seonghwa, and how he'd admitted to falling for me.

"So you're scared?"
San cocked an eyebrow at me.
"What would I be scared of?"

"Relationships,"
Wooyoung answered me rather then San this time, resulting in San laughing at his boyfriend.
"Be quiet. Take a nap or something."
He requested playing with Wooyoung's obviously bleach damaged hair again.
"But also, that was gonna be my answer too."
San shrugged.
"Not helping."

"Stop being scared."

"I'm not. I'm not interested in him."
I tried to reason.
"Liar,"
San scoffed.
"Then why did you continue to go to his house? For sex? Then you were just using him for his body, and if that's the case, I don't know why you're worried about him knowing that,"
San explained his tone and volume were steady and his facial expression flat.
"Unless of course, you weren't using him, and you actually like him."
I shook my head.
"Then why does any of this matter to you."

San had annoyingly accurate questions, why did it matter so much if he himself didn't matter to me.

At this point I couldn't tell if I had simply gaslit myself so hard that I truly believed I hadn't been completely and utterly in love with him since the first time we spoke, or if I actually didn't genuinely didn't love him. I had somehow confused myself so much, and I hated myself for it.

"I don't know,"
I huffed aggravated by my entire situation.
"Every time you've spoken to me about him, you've acted like you've been in love and married for seven years."
San laughed. I reconnected our eye contact, my friends face had softened a significant amount from the last time I looked at him. Wooyoung still laid against his leg, repositioned to his side, saliva pooling onto San's leg darkening the fabric of his jeans as his partner slept.
They were adorable every time I decided to pay any attention to their behavior together.

"San, I don't know what to do about this."
I was visibly on the verge of tears, I was wildly overwhelmed and I wasn't handling it like I normally would. I wasn't a particularly emotional person, but this was driving me insane. I felt so disgustingly horrible, and all I wanted to do was sob.
"First, I think you should sit on it a second, next, you should talk to him."

"Oh fuck no. I'm never talking to him again."
I retaliated. There was simply no way I would ever want to face him again.
"Joong, how dim-witted can you fucking be. You need to talk to him, don't just leave this relationship in this kind of position for no reason."
He was annoyed, and I honestly couldn't care less. San was always right, but was he? There was going to be a time where he wasn't, and I decided this time, was it.
"I just need more distractions."
I said trying desperately to collect my emotions.
"That's- that's definitely not what I just advised you to do."
San's head rolled back into the cushion of the sofa behind him heavily sighing.
"Your life though, so fuck what your best friend says, huh?"

"It'll be fine, San. I'll forget about him in a weeks time. I'm telling you."

San shook his head, directing his eyes back down to the boy in his lap.
"You see him?"
He asked brushing his fingers through Wooyoung's hair soft hums coming from the smaller boy in his sleep. I squinted my eyes in confusion at the strange question.
"Yeah?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"I know? Where are we going with this?"

"You're a fool for not wanting this when it was served to you on silver platter, you're both attracted to one another. Your so fucking stupid, Hongjoong."
San said. His eyes shooting back up just to glare daggers at me.
"Who said I would want that?"
I asked.
"Because I know you, and I know you do. Why are you letting a guy from however many years ago control your life so much still. You just keep giving him the power. Stop it. He doesn't get to control you anymore, Hongjoong, move on."
His voice was filled with annoyance.
"I'm not letting him control me. I don't care. I don't want to date anyone. And that's by my choice."

"Okay. It's your life. And I'll stay out of it... For now."