THE SANDMAN ☞ TRAVIS STOLL

TEN

THE NEXT TWO WEEKS FLY BY.

Valerie spends her mornings training Winnie, her afternoons with the swordsmanship kids, and every moment in between catching seconds or minutes of sleep, wherever and whenever she can. She goes to meals for all of five minutes, just to say a quick blessing and scarf down food, before returning to either her cabin or the arena.

More than anything, she's in the arena, either with Clarisse or Alyssa or Pete or alone, Nox in her hand as she whails on whatever poor person or dummy has the misfortune of standing across from her.

Alyssa is worried, and Valerie can tell. Whenever they train together, Alyssa's face grows pinched, not from exertion but from concern.

It isn't until two days before Valerie and Travis are meant to leave for Manhattan that Alyssa speaks up:

"What is going on with you lately? Is it about what I said? My theory?" She says, sweat beading at her hairline. Her sword arm shakes as she blocks Valerie's offensive strike, but she holds strong. "I was talking out of my ass, V. You know that. It was a coincidence. I was just messing with you."

Alyssa's tells are on full display—she's lying through her teeth, her jaw tight as she talks.

Valerie presses her sword down harder, something like anger flaring in her amber eyes. "Don't lie to me. You believed every word you said, and that's fine. Just don't lie about it." She finally pulls back, only when Alyssa's arms are threatening to give out. She has not broken a sweat.

Sheathing her sword, Alyssa frowns. "What was I supposed to do? Let you shut down? I was scared you were going to run again."

With her expression a thinly veiled attempt at keeping her cool, Valerie takes a breath. Alyssa is the one person that she has never had an issue being completely honest with over the years. Whether it be the truth of her abilities, or the truth of whatever the situation with Travis has developed into, candor came easily to Valerie, but only in Alyssa's presence.

"I wanted to run last night." Valerie admits, looking everywhere but at Alyssa. "I'm not used to this. This having feelings thing. I can handle rage, and indifference, but I don't know how to handle sadness, or panic, or compassion. I've never felt that before. I'm...I'm scared, okay? I ruin things. I don't want to ruin him."

There is a silence that feels heavy, feels sharp, and Valerie feels more vulnerable than she's ever felt in her life. There is a certain amount of exposure that comes with honesty, and Valerie feels like one big, open target.

Alyssa's face softens. "You've never ruined a single thing in your entire life, Valerie Greenwood. I know you try to, but you haven't. You try and try and try to self-sabotage, to ruin good things because you see yourself as this big, bad monster who doesn't deserve to be happy, but you will fail every time. You are not your father, okay?" She stops, takes a breath, and turns her steely gaze to Valerie. "You won't ruin him."

A strange sound leaves Valerie, halfway between a sob and a laugh, and she presses her free hand to her chest, feeling the steady beat of her heart. It grounds her, reminds her that she is in fact more human than monster, and that same strange sound escapes again.

"C'mon, V. Say it with me: I am not a bad person."

Valerie repeats the words, albeit stammering through them, still not believing their truth.

"I am not a monster."

Another echo, more certain this time.

"I do not ruin things."