the pursuit

32 - silent battles

I was in a downward spiral.

A whole suitcase full of Dior Clothes and a new helmet with new design sat on the floor of my suite. Just looking at it made me want to throw up. My head pounded and thoughts filled it. What had I done? What had I done to deserve this? What a blessing and a curse I had created.

Soon the whole grid would know, they would find out what had happened, they always did.

The journalists would feed off the drama in such a prestigious garage, but no one would actually care about me. If they found out would Toto fire me?

I was supposed to show up to the race tomorrow in my new clothes and announce the sponsorship. I was supposed to act like everything was fine when it was nowhere close to okay. I was supposed to act like my whole team didn't look at me sideways whenever I walked by.

I would never end up preforming well in a race if I couldn't fix my mind. Then I would be kicked off the team, the contract gone and another signed issuing my removal. It had happened to other drivers who didn't preform well, but what would happen to me?

I didn't belong in Formula 1, I didn't belong in motorsport. I didn't belong anywhere, especially not this cramped hotel room, in this city with no friends, only foes. Except for the one obstacle in my way, Charles Leclerc. He knew about some of the shit after he came for me that one night, but did he remember? Did he care? Was he just a pretty face with nothing underneath? There was nobody to trust anymore, not as I sat alone on the edge of the hotel bed and covered my face with my hands. After tomorrows race -no matter what happens- I need to go home to Cortona, I need to see my father, my family.

I removed my hands from my face, revealing the stains of tears on my palms. I dried them off as I got up off the bed and walked over to the sliding door. I unlocked it and stepped out on the balcony of the high building. I leaned over the railing and inspected the city. Sometimes it felt like the whole sport was corrupt, some just got the better side of it. Not many agreed with the idea of racing in countries that weren't the best, or the safest by any means. When people spoke out about political issues in F1 they were often silenced especially after the new rules this year. Drivers weren't allowed to express views on political ideas while on the paddock in front of fans. A couple months ago when the rule came out I head been with Lewis and we ended up having a good conversation on our thoughts about the rule, both disagreeing with it as it was taking away our free speech.

Then we ended up talking about our racing journeys and how we could be considered different compared to the rest of the paddock. Lewis is the first black driver to race in F1, but also one of the greatest drivers of all time. Our driver pairing had actually been quite brilliant. Lewis was a gold shoulder to lean on and he also knew that he could always lean on mine. He had already taught me many new things about the sport from the actual racing to how to handle the media.

Lewis was a great friend, I shouldn't be ignoring his presence. But what I was facing was something I didn't want to talk to him about. I didn't want to alter his own relationship with Toto and the team because that would only hurt us more. I also didn't want to know what he would do about Toto threatening to fire me, Lewis could get pretty heated with the right jab.

I sighed and looked to the illuminated circuit on the horizon. The turns were all present as the last minute preparations were put into place. The Jeddah circuit was still new to F1, the first race here being in 2021, and the evidence of the money was present. The whole entire area reeked of wealth, all brand new facilities and pretty much everything.

That was the other thing about Formula 1, cash is king. F1 becomes an easier sport the more money you have. Paying for everything is a hassle and hard. Being self made is difficult when you don't have the funds to start, and the rich in the sport pay for most everything.