Edward

Chapter Five

Washington, DC 2018

It's been maybe three weeks and a new routine has emerged. You've taken the summer off, to help me you say. It is restitution. You left me alone with our baby for three months and now you'll come back, reconstruct what we lost. I'll forget. You'll forget. The children will forget.

I want to move to Cape Cod. It's absurd I know. Everyone -particularly mom- is concerned. No one wants me near the ocean and mom certainly not that far away. My sister Kate is in Boston. She'll be there if I need her. Less than an hour away.

"Cape Cod? In Massachusetts?"

"Yes mom. The Cape Cod in Massachusetts. Do you know of another? You know mom—near where we grew up—"

"Ok. Enough with the sarcasm." She says "No -it's not a good idea. Just the two of you and the babies?" Mom asks. Her silver hair making gray look fashionable, young. How is it so soft, still retaining the wave. Her face is free of wrinkles, her skin still taut. Young. Mom is iconic. I love her but what does she mean by Just the two of you and the babies?

"Just who mom? We're their parents."
"How will you afford it?"

"What?"

"I don't even know how you'll find—"

"Merri knows someone."

"In the middle of summer?"

"It's their family home-small. weatherized. They don't' rent it. They want someone to house sit."

"Where?"

"Dennis."

"Oh for God sake. You know how long it would take to get off the cape? What hospitals are there?
"What hospitals are there?" She repeats.
"Why? I'm not going to hurt myself. Edward isn't going to leave me there."

"What about—I thought you were going back to work."

"Why do you keep telling. People that?" Silence. Quiet. "Mom, Why don't you come with us at least for a while." A concession and it gives me comfort to think of mom there. She won't let anything happen.

She looks down, folds neat her cloth napkin. One she gave us — handed down — when we moved in, before we were married. Cherries and red checks. Pretty country cotton. Nostalgic for the war era. Mom's childhood.

"No." she looks at me for a long moment. "I see it in your eyes you know, Annie. You're still not well. It will make me feel better if you wait—"

"They said it was the baby. The medicine will help soon. Edward's back."

"Annie you know when you were in that dark place—that semester you took off from college- I wondered if you—or I don't know if I wondered but you were so depressed. Do you remember? Do you think it was the same —as now?"
I shake my head and keep my eyes on her. Somehow I am angry that she doesn't know the truth and that she is suggesting these two mental illnesses are the same.

"Can I talk with him? Before you go then? Can I take Edward to lunch? I want to settle things."

"If he wants to—"

"I wanted to ask you."

"Of course."

"I see it in your eyes darling. Something's wrong. Are you still hallucinating?"

I lash out "Mom do you know how that sounds? Are you still hallucinating?! Jesus. I had a breakdown due to the hormones. I'm not a nut job."
Her liberal attitude steps in "Now really. Nut job is such a ..." she shakes her head has a sour expression "It's very insensitive and not nice, Annie."