Edward

Chapter Twenty-One

Washington, DC 2019

You tell me you want to talk to me, away from home. The suddenness of it scares me. It has gravity and things had been going so well. Still I feel like it's going to be bbad news. We decided on ___, the same restaurant I'd met Jack at. The place on the water. It's still hot late August and there's hardly aa breeze this afternoon. As I wait, I think back to meeting Jack here. Although it' not really, it seems so long ago and honestly I can't imagine that platonic intimacy with your brother now. It was the timing of things: my suicide attempt, your affair, and the end of his marriage to Jane. I would have no interests in those lunches or calls. I am guessing now that he's found a new 24 year old girlfriend he wouldn't have much interest in it either. I fiddle with my wedding ring. I kept it despite handing them back to you the night I saw you making love to Leora Hall. I had given them back to you but when you moved out you left them on the dresser and I put them back on. It was something I thought back then. It was maybe a sign?

The harbor is still and there I the slightest suggestion of autumn in the air. It's the light mostly, not the summertime yellow, a hint of orange. Northerly. And the air is warm. It's so rare, you needing me for lunch, during the work week. You are so absorbed by your work and life at the University. Once you set foot on campus you are where you were meant to be. It's cool how you seem to so fully belong in that environment. Teaching, yes but in the world of literary theory, and the acceptability of ongoing critical analysis and literature. The magic of writing. The culture of the intellect not hampered by the world outside of Academia. I swear to God if you had been my professor when I was in college I would have been madly in love with you. Despite my not being a writer, I would have been inspired to write books like Jane Eyre or...God knows. I'd have done anything for your attention or approval, I'm sure.

I was so madly in love with you. And I am still so madly in love with you.

This lunch-your invitation has such a tone of seriousness that I feel anxious waiting here on the outdoor patio. We made love just that morning and everything seems to be healing. So why the? Our home is beginning to feel like a home again. Maybe even better than before you left. My mental illness seems almost completely better. And I imagine that our opening up about the trauma and your experience of it, I thought that was a breakthrough, deepened our connection and love. I've been thinking of vacations we can take with and without the kids. I've been making plans to go back to work, to finish my license. You seem happy Edward, so why this?

You enter the restaurant and I immediately remember the teenage you at Slater's beach, the way all our peers. Topped when you or Jack arrived on the beach or at a party. I see you now at the outdoor podium behind which a hostess is stationed. I can only see the back of her head but I noticed her when I entered. She's about the same age as me when I met you at Georgetown. I see you, facing me but not noticing me yet. Your expression is friendly, a smile but not too charming. You are not like Jack with young women. Yo duo not turn on the charm, ignite flirtation or a girl's fluster that comes with it. You act-as. You had when you knew me as a teenage girl—nice but somewhat indifferent.

When you gaze across the dining groom, your eyes land on me. In that moment right before recognition I can see your unconscious expression -some say micro-expressions- I see your face change before it lights up. I know that you love me. This is how I feel our connection is spiritual. I see your joy in seeing me. I wave a little flirtatious wave and you raise your eye brows. You say something to the hostess and point in my direction. She stay and the podium and you walk towards me.

I wave again.

"Hey you." You say. You lean over and softly kiss me on the cheek before you take the seat across form me. "How are you?" You are subtly different.