Edward

Chapter Nineteen

Slater's Beach, Massachusetts 2018

The sun warms my straw hat and your mother and Jane — I am curious how it is that Jane is still here with Jack's kids, how is she back? I wonder if Jack has lured her back seeing that I am struggling but will likely live my life in your quagmire or maybe she is just here with the children, she is so close to Carol now. They sit, Carol speaking in low tones with Jane and she acknowledges me time to time with a glance but really I can't hear all of her words. They are planning or scheming to keep Jack and her together. Why should I be privy? Why should I want to. Alexander is on the blanket beside me in a small tent made for babies. Maddy is next to Carol and yes, I am thankful your mother loves her. She will remain a part of your family I will not.

"Is it all right if I walk to the shore." Carol nor Jane look up. I walk a little closer. "would you mind keeping an eye on the kids?" I ask Carol.

"of course, dear." She says.

Jane squats and gives me a wry smile. In that moment I'm glad her husband kissed me. I'm glad I remain "the one" the one who got away. Not out of the pond obviously, but away. I can tell myself he still loves me. It is the same satisfaction when I think you chose me.

I walk towards the deck where you're sitting, looking like a Kennedy on an Adirondack chair. I see your gin and tonic is hardly touched. It's sweating on the cedar table, covered in glass. You lean back in your chair, feet up on a wood bench. It's irksome how perfect your mother makes everything. The nasturtium, yellow waves around the side of the house, where there is a stone path. Planters leading to an "outdoor room" Carol likes to explain how landscaping can transform any space. "It's all we have" she says and the privilege slides from her lips effortlessly. I think no, there's more.

Why do I call your mother "Carol" and you call mine "mom."

"Where you going?" You ask. I notice your Nantucket t-shirt, how masculine you look. You are fit, always have been. It's the rich lifestyle, the activities it affords. Like all the sailing in the summer, the skiing. Tennis. I notice the little things about you Edward, like how the white cotton sleeves contrasts your tanned biceps.

"Just a walk." I say. Despite my large framed, dark sunglasses I hold up a hand to shield the bright sun. My eyes burn when I look up at you from the sandy beach where I'm standing. I'm wearing on of your oxford shirts-oversized on me— I brought it home. One of your old ones that you don't wear any more. It's worn too, the blue faded in places, the color frayed.

"Hang on I'll join you."

"All right." I say.

As you jump the deck rail, the whited sea weathered wood and over sea grass to the path, I am looking at Jack and You is fixed on me. I hold his gaze just to communicate the same absurdity You acknowledges. His life -their lives- are a facade. You and I exist in another consciousness. How we came to hold two realities is a mystery. No. Three realities. Now, You and I have one too. Just a kiss has opened another possibility.

"Ok. Let's do it." You say.

I know the sand is scorching but I cannot feel it. I have my sandals on and you had slipped on your tennis shoes. Now I see you before me, the same man, the same beautiful man. I think you are more handsome than Jack. You are. Maybe that's why carol loves him more. You smile at me and bend down to kiss me.

As we approach the shore, I remove my sandals.

"Here I'll hold them for you."

I laugh a little, just the idea that you would stand there on the shore watching me, helpless with my leather mule sandals in your hand. "No it's ok. I'll leave them here and I'll get them on the way back."