Diary for literally everyone to read✨💫

19 March

I really can't wait for school to end, 1 more years and I never have to see these people ever again.

I get why girls stick in mostly girl groups because I hate guy groups.
They are extremely funny at times when they are not sexist, ableist, homophobic or racist. The other jokes are fun, we laugh to hard at kids hurting themselves, at inside jokes about parents, personalities, interests. Those could also be fun. But the part where you tell them to stop and they never do, they joke about it then says "look at her getting angry now".

It makes me feel helpless, it makes me want to scream and cry, and never come to school ever again.

Then to the violence. To the boy that kicks, hits, throws, drag stuff in my face. It makes me feel used. Makes me feel useless, makes me feel like a dumb woman that can not do anything about it because that is just how boys behave.

They behave like they are 10 years old then gets angry when you get angry and says you are over reacting, or not meaning it, or not listening at all because my voice don't matter.

It makes me really feel like that one woman in a group of privileged men, needing to scream for them to listen, but also at the same time not show feeling for them not to look down on you.

Needing to raise your voice for them to understand what you are saying.

But at the same time they are good guys, they are my friends and I can talk to them. Still I feel like this. Still I feel like I am not respected.

Maybe I just don't fit in to the whole being mean to everyone thing, never feel supported, never having my feelings met, never having my interests be acknowledged. Because they seem fine, they seem like they can be in that a whole lot.

Maybe I just really miss the 8 hours of school day where I always had skin contact with someone, hugging, holing hands, touching knees. And the supportive "let's go" "you go girl" "you look pretty today" "I like that shirt" "what a cool phone case".

I said a few weeks ago in a smaller group that we should go to the pride parade this year, everyone was on it. I was pumped looking up no flags. Imagining painting my guy friends nails because they were supportive in my thoughts. They weren't fragile, they could wear a skirt without a problem, they could understand the different people around there.

But when I brought it up in front of the whole group it was all negative, now they rather die then be there. That it was lame, just weird people going there.

It kinda made me wanna disappear. Made me feel funny, like they had all these secret thoughts about me that they never said to my face but actually wanted to.

It made me think of my brother.
That he has started to act like them, like he doesn't care, that maybe he turns out like them and starts acting like them towards people like me. That I messed up my job to let him know he should be confident, that he could be super masculine but still not say on a regular basis women should be in the kitchen even tho it is a joke.

But I am too late, I don't have that relationship with my brother.

I hate the feeling of hopelessness, I hate the feeling of shame I feel everyday in school. Every time I see her I feel shame because she stopped being friends with me because she didn't want to associate with someone like me. Someone who people can't stop poking at, stop making up stories about. Who can't talk to anyone without apparently being interested and dating them.

When I'm 18 I'm moving. I am moving far far away. Make new socials, new beginnings. School comes second, work for a few year then find out what else I can do. I have a lot of work experience in different apartments so I could find something to survive on.

I am going to disappear.