Immunity

I Wouldn't Ask You

I wouldn't ask you to take care of me

---

I start throwing up as soon as I close my dorm door and I can't ask Sofia to take care of me. Nor can I ask her to help me fix the rest of everything. I try to remind myself that there is nothing to fix, but then I throw up again and it feels like some joke to call me sick.

I'm once again losing her because I have my parents' voice in my head telling me things I don't believe in. No. This time I can't blame just them. It's my fault we are like this. Because I kissed her.

The rope is closing my throat again, bruising, forcing me to spit out things I don't want to.

No

This time I try to loosen it up. I close my eyes. I remember how it feels to lay next to her in bed. I remember the feel of her sweatshirt under my fingertips. How it felt more intimate than anything I had ever done before.

For a second I had wondered if I could get past the last barrier and reach the future I could see in her eyes, a dream of her and me together.

When I lift my head from the sink, I'm struck by my reflection in the mirror. I'm miserable. There is a husband on my side, with a kid in his arms that looks like us. I'm almost comforted by the familiar idea. But then he looks at me and in his eyes are hate and pride. Wake the fuck up, not everyone should live like they want. Don't you know that life isn't fair? Good thing I managed to change you.

I start crying harder, mumbling Sofia's name and waiting that her sense picks up and she knocks on my door. She never does.

I want to show her the rope and the reflection. I know I'm the only one who can, but I want her to help me get rid of it

Later that night, I plead to the something Sofia believes in to give me a sign that we can be strong. That like she had said all those years ago, we'll be alright.

I dream of a small apartment in the city. The light enters through the big windows and baths everything with warmth. Sofia stands by the kitchen island humming a pop tune. Sitting in front of her is a toddler belly laughing, who looks only like her and that makes me happy. The pure joy that burns my chest takes me by surprise. In this dream, even if not in real life, I can say that this is all I need in life.

By late morning, I'm certain of who I want. To be and to be with.

I think it almost doesn't matter what the few logic left in my brain is trying to convince me of.

---

Feels like I've known you for so long

Without you, I don't feel so strong