Every night
Think of things I can't do or haven't done
---
That was not what I meant to do. I was ready, I swear. I was gonna say it, everything. I was going to be happy.
Does it make me weak, my inability to be myself?
Will Sofia only see me as that person from now on? The one who runs away from their truest self for nothing more than a commodity? The one who manages to invalidate her in the process?
Part of me wants to tell her to not expect anything more. That this will pass and I will leave her. I fight that part with any strength I have left. This time around, I know who I am and I will embrace it no matter how much it wants to slip away.
It's still my doing I'm alone. I started backwards, used her emotions before I was sure of myself. I didn't ask her for the help I wanted. I didn't give her the chance to speak when she wanted the same.
I'm sinking into the floor in shame. For the first time, it doesn't come from my existence, but from my actions.
My first instinct is to fix it. Run after her and tell her everything, beg for her forgiveness. But I know in my core that it would only result in me backing up again. I need to fix what is still broken inside me first.
—------------------
Weeks later, when the cold is starting to feel outside, I tell the Support Group she still hasn't tried to reach me. We had briefly crossed paths in the hall but nothing big. Only my name on her lips once made me warm up and lose it again. They give me advice and hugs.
I can't ask my psychologist about it yet because it's only the second session and I have a full childhood to unpack before reaching the trivialities of today.
I ignore my mama and papa when they call and smile doing it. I even find it in me to pray from time to time, but on my own terms now.
It's the first time I feel like I have a support system and I know somewhere Sofia is there still.
It was my doing. Mostly. And it will be my mending, with pride in my voice when I finally say it out loud.
---
Why do I feel so cold?
Is it my doing? Is it my doing?
YOU ARE READING
Immunity
Romansa》2. protection or exemption from something, especially an obligation or penalty. 《 After finally feeling free from her past, a college girl reenconters a friend from her past. Together, they fall into the rabbit hole of what they were and what they...
