An Extra Pump of Sugar

Chapter 30

Time began moving at super-speed.

School assignments took up every minute of every day, and work filled my nights with additional stress, exhaustion, and underpaid labor. To make matters worse, Baker had purposely scheduled different shifts than me, so The Orchard was peak misery right now. And without the spitfire in my life or Theo's warm presence by my side, I felt like I was operating on default mode, completely disconnected from the real world. My days blurred together, and I found myself disassociating every few minutes. Distracted, detached, disengaged.

Then I woke up to a phone call I'd never forget.

"It happened, mija," my mother said, her voice hoarse with grief, and my world slammed to a halt. "...He's gone."

Upon hearing those words, I immediately slumped to the floor and folded my arms over my knees, crumpling in on myself like aluminum foil.

No.

Not yet...

Jay wasn't supposed to leave me yet. He was never supposed to leave.

"...I'm sorry, Romana."

The pain spilled down my cheeks, and I cried for hours and hours, bailing water out of this ship before it sank to the bottom of the sea. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache, and my raw throat and swollen eyes followed me the rest of the day, refusing to gift me a moment of reprieve.

Dammit, Jay.

I'd seen him just a few days ago, and while he'd grown weaker over the past month, I didn't think he was anywhere close to his exit. If I'd suspected he was approaching his final hours, I would have sprinted to his apartment for a long, suffocating hug. I would have told him again how much I loved him. I would have said goodbye.

But it just...happened. Just like that. And nothing—not even a terminal diagnosis and weeks of hospice care—could have prepared me for this horrible feeling. My uncle was gone, removed from this world, from my life. And now my favorite human existed solely in the past tense.

How was I supposed to carry on with a wound so deep and damaging?

How could anyone?

I lay on my bed, staring at my wall as the morning slowly bled into the afternoon. I knew I couldn't stay isolated forever, drowning in the finality of his death. It would be too easy to let myself sink into a depressive state right before the end of the semester; I was already halfway there. I needed to talk to someone about this, someone who understood what Jay meant to me, but Baker was out of the question, and seeing Ian weeping over his father would send me right back over the edge.

Really, the only person I wanted to see right now was Theo. He'd survived the sting of cancer before—he'd know how to get through it.

And I'd missed him.

I'd missed him a lot.

But I hadn't spoken to him for ages, and it was unacceptable to contact him now, only when it benefited me. That wasn't fair, and I'd look like a total douche if I showed up out of nowhere asking for a hug. He'd have every right to turn me away given my aloof behavior.

Then again, he'd spent quality time with Jay, and something told me he'd put his vexations aside long enough to comfort me today—even if I didn't deserve it. And maybe that neutral space would grant us the chance to finally talk things over. Work out the kinks and smooth out the wrinkles.

At the very least, I owed him an explanation for withdrawing. And an apology.

Before Carl could talk me out of it, I splashed some water on my face, threw on a sweatshirt, and drove over to Theo's apartment before sundown. It was Friday, his usual night off from the coffee shop, so I hoped he wasn't hosting a dinner with the gang or Charlie. I couldn't bear the thought of walking in on his friend group like this, so egregiously unwell and dehydrated. The thought was so unbearable, I nearly picked up my phone and called him to gauge his availability, but I wanted to see him first.