~Close your eyes and picture the warmth of the sun on your skin... that's how being loved by her felt~
Harry Styles is a nepotism baby turned new father, left clueless with a newborn baby to raise, he is overwhelmed and under pressure. Matters are...
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My whole life I have selfishly made decisions regarding myself and myself only. I didn't care about anyone but myself because when I grew up, it was made very apparent that no one cared for me.
No one thought of me when making decisions. No one took my feelings into account and so I became conditioned to think that behaviour was normal.
It was a kill or be killed kind of environment.
My childhood was hostile to say the least, so as I sit here on the sand and watch as Sunday scoops Nola up from under her arms and balances her on her hip with a dainty smile, I can't quite believe that this is real.
That I have this life now.
I know what kind of mum Sunday is. I've witnessed it from the first day that I met her but as I admire her from afar, I can't help but let my lips twist into the permanent grin that seems to be a new feature around her.
She has this light that just shines from each crevice of her being. I'm half convinced that her heart is just a miniature version of the sun that glows from deep inside her. She is golden in the simplest way.
I watch as she lifts her hand up to point to something on the horizon, dipping her head down so that she can talk to Nola by the water's edge.
The sea laps at her toes, her feet and ankles sandy as she paddles in the water with Rory and Nola, while I have Amos, the two of us tucked up in the shade of the afternoon.
We got to the beach at about lunchtime after a long car journey which was filled with giggling excitement from the twins. I don't think Sunday knows the real reason why we are here right now. I'm pretty sure that she is still under the impression that we are here for a little family holiday that just so happens to overlap with the twin's birthday.
Little does she know that in only a couple of hours time, her brother will be getting down on one knee and proposing to Ingrid.
For the last hour or so, the girls have been paddling at the water's edge while Sunday and Ingrid followed them around to supervise. I have been under this umbrella with Amos, my legs sticking out to get some kind of sun tan on them and take off the pale glow.
Occasionally, one of the girls will come running over to me to show me a sea shell they have found in amongst the fine grains of sand or they'll have seaweed hanging from their fingertips to try and frighten me.
I play the part, acting as if the slimy texture is gross when really I couldn't care less. Their smiles when I freak out are worth it though.
But as I sit here and watch Sunday and my girls from a distance, I realise just how close I was to losing them only a few days ago.
I don't get scared often, not much frightens me these days but the idea of potentially losing them had me bedbound and drunk off my fucking face.
I couldn't even bare to look at myself in the mirror because of how badly I was in a spiral of despising myself.
