The Monster Inside Of Me (Remade)

I'm a monster

(Steven's pov)

I'm home alone by myself and it's way past my usual bedtime. It's kinda quiet in the house. It's so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I couldn't hear anything except for the rain droplets hitting the window pane. 

*It is raining heavily outside and constantly pouring down more rain. Suddenly I hear thunder and lightning*

I'm laying on my bed, tears are flowing down my cheeks as I stare up at the ceiling. The gems we're off on a mission, probably looking for a corrupted gem or something, I don't know... My mind is racing with millions of thoughts. I'm contemplating and still trying to process everything that has happened recently. To say that I am "shocked" would be a complete understatement to how I am truly feeling. 'Shocked' is just not a big enough word to describe how I feel. All my life I thought that Rose quartz was this rebel leader who shattered Pink Diamond, even though she didn't want to shatter anyone, she did what she thought was right and gave everything to protect the Earth. The gems told me lots of stories about my mom. And I used to love her and admire her. I tried to live up to her standards. But no matter how hard I try I could never be like her.......Now after learning the truth about everything...I don't think I can ever feel the same way about my mother again...I dont ever want to be like her...I can't believe this.... This whole time my mom never shattered Pink Diamond.....Because She was Pink Diamond.... She basically faked her own death....And in the process she hurt millons of gems and people...I don't know how to handle all of this.....Now I'm supposed to deal with the huge mess that my mother left behind. So to summarize everything up and make it short and simple.... For my whole entire life everyone expected me to be a Rose Quartz 2.0 and now they expect me to be a Diamond. Pink Diamond. So apparently i'm considered royalty.... To put everything I just said in a nutshell.... My existence..... My whole entire life.... It is just a big lie.... 

........

*I start to feel guilt inside my heart again and I hear that voice inside my head once again saying to me in a sinister tone "Can you honestly blame them?"*

........

I guess I can't blame the gems. It's not their fault.... It's my fault! I took their leader away...It's my fault that my mom is dead....Matter of fact... When you really stop and think about it.....

.........everything is my fault!

If it wasn't for me Jasper wouldn't have gotten corrupted........If it wasn't for me the rubies wouldn't have gotten lost out into outer space......If it wasn't for me Lapis would've never got trapped inside the ocean fused with Jasper as Malachite......If it wasn't for me bismuth wouldn't be inside of a bubble right now.....It's all my fault....I didn't mean to poof Bismuth intentionally....It was an accident.....But it doesnt matter because it's still my fault........It's my fault I should've listen to Garnet when she told me to not go to the palaquin......It's my fault that dad got abducted by Blue Diamond and put inside the human zoo..... Everything is my fault because I make stupid and careless mistakes...... I need to learn to take responsibility for my actions......

*I'm listing out all of my disadvantages and I'm crying now*

Now I understand why Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl and everyone else hates me. They have every right to hate me because I fuck everything up all the time. I'm nothing but a big screw up.  I make careless mistakes.

*I'm not laying down on the bed anymore. I am sitting at the very edge of the bed. Staring at the reflection of myself on the television. And I'm saying negative things and talking bad about myself*

I'm a walking/talking freak show.....

I'm a hybrid abomination.....

I'm a monstrosity

I'm a good-for-nothing....

I don't deserve to be loved.....

I don't have a purpose.....

I'm way worse than my mom ever was....

I'm hideous.......

I'm ugly......

I'm a monster....

I'm a fraud....

What is the point of life?......

Why do I even exist?......

I hate myself....

*I m crying so hard now. I bury my face in my pillows and sob....finally I get so tired from crying so much. My eyes are really red.... Suddenly I get an idea....*

I picked my phone up off my nightstand......The nightstand that always sits beside me bed. And I decided to go on Tumblr.... I heard about people cutting themselves when they're really depressed.....I decided to scroll down and look at the different pictures. As I look at the pictures of the slit and bloody wrists.... An idea comes to my mind.....What if I cut myself? I've never actually tried it before.....But I heard that Lars tried cutting himself one time......Maybe I should try it....

I grabbed an old sweater out of my closet and I was getting ready to go downstairs to the bathroom when all of a sudden--

*A flash of blue light appears and the warp pad is active. And Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl have arrived back home*

I'm so nervous and I panic. The gems are back home. I decided to get back in the bed, roll over, and pretend that's I'm asleep so they wont suspect anything. Garnet and Amethyst go into their respective rooms inside the temple but Pearl comes up the stairs to my room and decided to check on me. Once she noticed that I'm asleep. She goes into her room. And finally I'm alone again.

*Now that the coast was clear, I grabbed my sweater, and crept silently down the stairs and went to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and I reach for the razor blade on the sink. I took a deep breath and I began to cut, it was very painful.*

Owww! Why would anyone do this?

*Then I realized that when you cut yourself. It is supposed to hurt. It is supposed to be painful. But even though the physical pain hurt..... In a weird way it kinda felt good I guess? Honestly I don't know how to describe.......How I am feeling right now.....*

It felt good to take my anger and self hatred out on myself.... I hate myself so much..... And I blame myself for everything that has happened. Sometimes I wonder if the gems kinda blame me for my mother's death? I mean they have every reason too..... It's my fault that I took their leader away... And everything else that has happened is my fault too......

I don't know how to deal with this pent up stress and anguish....But cutting myself seems to help a lot.....

     *I watch as the blood keeps dripping as I continue to slit my wrists over and over again. I put a few bandaids on and I put my sweater on. I put the razor in a Ziploc bag. I make sure to clean the blood off the sink and hide any evidence. The gems cannot find out about this....Finally I get tired and I head up the stairs and go to bed and fall fast asleep.*