Mindscape

Chapter One

The sudden weight of the bag against my back reminded me of my daily trek. The methodical routine of taking this metal deathtrap miles to my job. Station by station, street by street, and yet this tedious repetition was the only downtime I had, and I was not too fond of it. I gazed out the window as the tunnel lights flashed by the window. The smell, the people, the desperation to finally make enough money so I can just drive myself. But do I really want to drive myself? I can't stand even being in the back seat of the cab on the streets, much worse being the driver in the city that never sleeps. I guess it's my fault for daring to dream and dragging myself to New York.

Stop after stop was almost rhythmic to me. Counting down until we get to my daily destination. I purposely chose to get off at the concrete platform of bustling bodies even though it's still a ten-minute walk to my job from there. I know I do this to myself. I've mentally beat myself up many times before. I've even thought about staying past that stop, waiting to get off at the one after. Exiting at the stop that is closest to my work. But my weak side always wins.

My train of thought is brought back to the 'what if'? What if I see him again? What if he says something to me? What if he wants to catch up sometime? What if I go to the next stop and that was the day I would've seen him. The day I would've been able to redeem what I've done and possibly, maybe, he would fall back in love with me?

The saddest part was that it had been two years. Two years that we haven't even talked to each other. I've only seen him six times within those two years, but every time was at this stop. Usually, nothing happens. He would often just walk past me, onto the train, and move on with his day. Then there was one time, one time where he saw me. Our eyes met, and a smile crossed his lips. A swift hand motion before he ventured onto the train and out of my sight again. That one time has driven the uncountable other times that I have stopped at this station, hoping to see that smile again. But that was a year ago, and I haven't seen him since. I don't want to give up. I had done that once before, and that's when I knew; I had broken his heart.

I'm distracted by the abrupt stop of the subway, realizing that even on autopilot, I was still counting down to my stop. I emerged from my seat, took a deep breath, and waited by the automatic doors. I tried so hard to peek through the dingy windows to see if I could see him in the hustling mess of people outside of these walls. The doors opened with a pained groan that mirrored my overall mood of the morning. I glided through, meticulously looking at every person around me. I could feel that this was desperate, but I admit it, I was desperate. I don't want to let him go. I have to amend what I did. I have to get back that love we had because, quite honestly, that was the last love I ever had from anyone.

Being slightly pushed by the crowd of people, I ended up making my way up towards the streets, still scanning just in case. He could be running late. He could run past me at any moment. Hope still dominated my thoughts as I watched the business zombies rush past me frantically, trying to get to their usual, life-sucking prison. But just as I reached his street, I stopped. I turned and peered down the road, eyeballing the front door to his apartment building. Waiting patiently for it to open, for him to emerge. Seconds, minutes, I felt like I could've stood there for hours, but I knew I couldn't. I knew that I needed to hustle, even now, to make it to work on time. Reluctantly, I pulled my gaze from his doorstep and continued on my trek to work.

Only one minute late was just as bad as being ten minutes late for my boss. I knew that, so I quietly snuck around the office, dancing from cubicle to cubicle, hoping desperately that I could dodge her. Just as I was a few desks away, a chair rolled in front of me. Sitting atop the chair was Malcolm.

"Well, well, well, look who's running late," He teased.

"Malcolm, not right now. I need to get to my desk before Grace sees me," I snapped back in frustration as I slipped around his chair and slid into my cubicle. I heard his ridiculous giggle as the wheels on his chair glided back into his cubicle.