Before You Say Goodbye

22

Do you know the kind of days where you feel like you've had enough sleep but you'd just been tossing and turning the whole night? The kind where once you wake up, you just feel more tired than rested. Yeah. I had one of those last night. Maybe that was why I have been so irritable since morning.

That, or perhaps it was the sight of my father and mother in the kitchen giggling like teenagers, that put me in such a bad mood. Seeing them together, like this, laughing with each other sucked the oxygen right out of the room. For a minute, I felt suffocated. I couldn't breathe.

Just last night they had been at each other's throats, yelling about God knows what. Dad had verbally lashed out at mom, broken a few plates, and also my favorite mug – a birthday gift from Terry at that. He had called her names, slandered her parents, and I also think my name was casually thrown around somewhere. I don't know if he also hit her – he has done it before and I wouldn't put it past him, but I hadn't been brave enough to ask her.

Look at them now. Like the couple goals, they think they are. They looked so happy together like last night was just a weird dream that I and my brother had together dreamt. Sometimes they made me sick with the whiplash they give me and my brother. I don't understand how they travel between extremes so quickly. Like it was so easy for them.

Apart from the confusion I felt, I also felt angry. No, let me correct that. I was furious – it was too much for me to realize that mom would willingly let this cycle keep repeating. It has been going on for so long that I had hoped that she would've, by now, got a hold of the toxic cycle that she was in and break free. But no. She just had to silently forgive him for whatever reasons he had fed her, or he probably gave her a lousy apology and she caved.

My eyes traveled past them to look at Alan. He sat at the dining table, his eyes downcast on his cereal bowl. My mouth went dry at the sight of him. As usual, he had crawled into my bed in the middle of the night, already having exhausted all his tears. Even as he hogged the blanket, rolled over, and almost pushed me out of my bed in the middle of the night, I couldn't bring myself to care. After hours of me assuring him that things would be fine, he had finally fallen asleep and I wasn't going to do anything that'd wake him up.

"Hey, honey!"

I forced a smile on my face, "Hi, mom."

"Why are you just standing there? Come have some breakfast before going to school. I don't want you to be late."

"Actually, I'm just going to grab an apple." I picked an apple, gently squeezing my brother's shoulder and giving him a small kiss on the cheek, "Hey, kiddo."

Alan gave me a small smile, "Good morning, Addie."

"You okay?"

"Yup."

And that was that. Not knowing what else I should ask, what I should say, I just gave him another small smile, turning to leave.

"I'm going on another business tour tomorrow," my father announced his eyes for some reason trained on me. Ok, what did he expect? My approval? I'll give him a thousand if he could just stay as far away from home as possible.

"Okay."

"Maybe we could hang out tonight. As a family. Order some takeaway, watch a movie, just fun stuff," he shrugged, his eyes darting to mom, expecting her to back him up, "Come on, kiddo. I want to know what's going on in your life?"

Yeah, that was the last thing I wanted to do. "Um, no, sorry. I have another late shift at work today. And after, I need to study. I have a biology test tomorrow."

He scoffed, a mocking glint in his eyes, his friendly façade falling. "A test? So, you're bringing your studies as an excuse to skip spending time with your family."