Sometimes you have a lot of things in your mind and a lot to think but nothing to write, so you just start writing about the little ant you just killed off your right leg while you were in The Backyard, the sanctuary that i use to just exist while at this place I call home. Funny thing, i felt sad for the ant, i always have, my ex and i used to have little arguments about it, but she was right, back then, there were just too many ants hiding in every corner of that apartment in Paraíso. For some reason ants remind me of the color yellow, yes, 🟡, and not yellow sun, but, yellow baby chicken, that shooting color that you can wear and look polished for a brunch, that yellow, the same yellow as my smile flip flops, i envy that smiley face now, so smiley, i feel mocked. But seriously, I'm just anxious, too many thoughts, and not the best engine to process them. The baby is coming, and just thinking about it brings me joy, but also fills me with possibilities, a whole new life, so fragile, and this world is just so fucked up and scary, this is the kinda shit that makes me shiver, the kinda thoughts that's fill my mind while I'm the bus to work, in those 60 seconds between every call at Verizon.
When I opened Wattpad today i wanted to write about me missing people i love but that i can see em as often as before, or some of them at all, but, i also feel that the more though that i give to such ideas the more the will go deep in my brain, such thoughts hurt, deeply, and with no mercy, and i rather focus on the tangible things, like Diago, or the fact that I'm loving everyday with an actual job, in a bed, surrounded by people who care about me, despite the things that happened to me, despite the things I did and said, despite reencontrarse, despite Lezter.
I miss my mom, and it makes me angry how much I miss her, cause I wanna hate her, but the closer I get to being a father, the closer I realize how better she should be, how much better she could do. Too late for that now i guess. Too late for many things,
