I'm Fine

Chapter Five - Ava Grace

January 

I was terrified. This was the most anxious I have ever felt, and I chose this. I was the one who threw my name out there like that. I knew I was overreacting, but running for student council president was not at all what I had planned.

I prayed about it. Whether or not I should run for it and I kept having this peace about running. But as soon as I raised my hand, when Mr. McKinley asked if anyone was interested, I felt my heart drop.

This isn't who I am; I am the shy girl in the corner. The one with the small group of friends. I'm nothing like Avery. She knows almost everyone and is a part of nearly every club. And of course, she's my competition for this election.

Sure I only have to be the president for five months but still. Why couldn't Mr. McKinley just run it all year long, why does he have a student take over? That's too much responsibility, and I'm the idiot who volunteered for it.

I continued to pace my room like I had done for hours, thinking through different ways to back down. I didn't want this type of power, control, or responsibility. I had only just joined the student council last year, and that was because Avery convinced me.

Sure, I knew it was mostly because they needed help with an upcoming fundraiser and sure I only joined because I wanted to do something in this school before I graduated, but I didn't plan on being the president.

I sulked against the nearest wall and dropped myself to the floor, cradling my head in my hands. Minutes later, I heard my bedroom door open. I lifted my head to see my dad standing there. Quickly, I wiped away any look of fear on my face so as not to worry him.

"Hey, dad!" I say quietly.

"Hey there pumpkin, how was school today?" He pondered as he lent a hand to help me up.

"It was okay." I implied.

"Just okay?" He commented as he made his way to the bed. Once seated, he patted his hand next to him, motioning me to sit too.

"Well, I did something kind of crazy today." I sulked as I made my way to sit next to him.

"Oh yeah, what's that?" He inquired.

"I volunteered to be the student council president." I dropped my head back into my hands.

"That's awesome, sweetheart," he started, "but why are you so sad about it?" He questioned as he turned his body towards me.

"I'm not sad, more fearful. This is too big for me." I admitted as I lifted my head, refusing to look him in the eyes.

"Now, honey, what have I always told you? Nothing is ever too big when you have God's help." He preached.

"Yeah, but I don't even want it, I'm going to back down." I stated, still avoiding eye contact.

"Did you pray about it?" He asked.

"Yeah, and I felt like it was the right thing to do until I did it, then I don't know...I got scared." I replied.

"Well, then maybe it is the right thing to do. You will never know until you try. You even said you wanted to do one club-like thing before graduating. Maybe this is it?" He reminded me.

"Ugh, I mean yeah, I guess." I complained as I dropped my head in my hands again.

"Plus, you never know how God can use you in this position. You could touch a lot of lives. Help a lot of people with this new role." He continued to preach. I was so mad that he was right because this crushed all my previous thoughts about backing out of the election.

"I guess." I replied as I lifted my head out of my hands. His finger reached under my chin and pulled it upwards.

"Keep your chin up, sweetheart. I know you can do this. Just give it a try. Plus, it's only five months, you'll be fine." He said as his fingers slipped away, and he began to stand up.

"Well, I gotta go start dinner, your mother is running late coming home from the church's clothing donation today. Although I did hear that we had an amazing amount of clothes donated this year." He commented as he continued to make his way to the door.

"That's great, dad. The orphans will be thrilled." I replied, trying hard to show genuine excitement, but all I can think about is my issue at hand.

"You think about it some more, honey. Don't dwell on it, but think about it. Focus on the facts and not your feelings." He stated as he exited the room closing the door behind him.

That was dad's favorite saying. Focus on the facts and not your feelings. A lot of people judge him for this quote. They say a pastor shouldn't disregard someone's feelings, but it goes deeper than that. If you focus on the facts that are all around you, then you won't be consumed by the negative feelings trying to get in.

Fear, sadness, and anger are healthy to have every now and then, but they can overwhelm the mind and paralyze a person's actions. I love my parents, and I look up to them all the time. I've always wanted to be so helpful and supportive of others, but it feels exhausting.

I only have a few friends, and I care for them deeply. But burdening their problems takes a lot out of me. I don't know how they do it.

I pondered a little bit more about the facts of the situation, pushing the fear aside. Yes, it is a lot of responsibility, but I loved planning things and staying organized. I have so many ideas that we could do for the school and so many fun things that the club members can do.

I continued to think of different ideas and how I could help the student council, but the one fact that still held onto my fear was taking this away from Avery. She was the student council president for the last three years. A part of me would feel terrible taking this away from her.

But at this point, what's done is done, and I will try my best to win. If I don't, then it wasn't meant to be. I took a deep breath as I made my way to the empty page on my desk, waiting to be filled with all my ideas for the student council this year.