melodie filan is the youngest daughter of mae and peter filan and the youngest sister of the most famous filan, shane filan who, obviously, is one of the most famous irish people of the 21st century alongside the rest of his westlife members. both o...
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melodiefilan december 15 2019 and october 4 2020 were without a doubt the most gut-wrenching days of my entire life.
december 15 i was studying at uni for history when i received a call from shane, telling me that something wasn't right with ma. i would later find out that fifteen minutes before shane rang me, our ma had passed peacefully at north west sligo hospice with the whole family, minus me, there with her at her bedside. and when i thought life wasn't going to get any more depressing or worse after that day, 2020 happened. ten months after losing ma to her lung cancer, at around 3 in the morning, whilst watching a movie with shane, he received a call from our older brother telling him that dad had died peacefully. our brother and the staff at st vincent's in dublin, where he had been transferred to, around him as it happened. finding out my dad died so quickly after my ma was just absolutely cruel that the only thing i could do was to cry and sleep, for three days straight. the aftermath of ma's death was the scariest though because i truly didn't think that the evening i fell asleep at kian and jodi's house that i'd have the strength to open my eyes and be alive for another day. after ma died, i only cried once and then i didn't cry again afterwards which seemed to worry a lot of people around me. after dad died, i cried for three days straight and refused to be separated from shane. however, after those three days, like after ma's death, i just stopped crying and i just acted normal. as though i was completely fine and nothing had happened. even though i knew in my brain that i wasn't even the slightest bit okay, my heart was the opposite and it was my heart telling everyone else, myself included, that i was okay and that both my parents weren't dead. i mean, of course i wasn't okay, both my parents had just died within months of one another, a month before the pandemic and then the other one right in the heart of the first lockdown. and truthfully, i was not okay at all. in all honesty, i was completely delusional because like already mentioned, i refused to have the belief that at 19 years old i was now parentless and would be for the rest of my life.
the only way i knew how to cope with all of this was just to completely ignore it in all honesty. continuing to believe that they were still alive as though nothing had changed. which was obviously not the way to go about it but, i wasn't seeing a counsellor or even talking to my family to get the help i very clearly needed. and this cycle got so bad to the point that whenever shane did acknowledge what was going on and posted about it announcing it, i blocked him. both times because i was so delusional and mentally unwell with the belief that our parents were still alive. finding out your parents have cancer is like a knife to the gut and it nearly knocks you to the ground. thankfully with our ma, we were lucky and got five extra years with her after her initial diagnosis before we lost her but, unfortunately, it wasn't the same with our dad. with dad it was just all so quick and sudden from his diagnosis to that 3 am phone call on the 4th of october that the loss of dad hurt that little bit more even though the losses of both were incomprehensible. ma and dad, i love you so much and i can never thank you properly for just how supportive you were. not just shane and to the other siblings but also of me. but especially when i spoke up and wanted to be like shane. unlike others, you never gave up on me and if only you could see me now, i'm sure you'd be exceptionally proud.
