For Context: This was an english project that i haven't read in front of the class yet.
This is embarrassing. Reading this to you all a week after I should have already read it. But the truth is the night it was all due I was so busy trying to not exist anymore that, oh bummer!I I forgot to turn in my english homework. First grade of the last quarter and I was too selfish to get it done.
But im here now. So i guess i'll talk about my feelings.I don't like talking about my feelings.
Every time that I do, I get dismissed because "Oh I'm so sorry! That reminds me of when I-"And they flip it on them. Some call it sympathizing but I know the difference between sympathy and selfishness.
I hate writing my feelings down because the last time I did that was in my diary as a 12-14 year old girl.
My mother read my whole diary and that night I got in so much trouble for talking about my feelings. So I never felt again.I was raised in a bad household with bad parents and bad relationships with family and bad friends and a bad reputation but you wouldn't know it.
I'm adopted. And it's okay! Laugh! Because apparently it's hilarious because everyday in biology when the word adopted gets said everyone looks at me and nudges me expecting me to laugh. So I do.
You got me! Hah! I'm adopted!
Because it's funny.
My mother's a blonde who was a singer. She sang in church and was the holiest of holy people you'd think you'd ever meet.
My father's a brunette with blue eyes. A baseball playing, bowling ball rolling, trucking company manager who seems to have his whole life sorted out. He's 51 but looks 35 and my friends love him.
But behind bolt locked doors is an abusive couple who would like nothing more than to use their kids as servants and beat them down quite literally when they don't do what they're asked.
Where'd I get these scars? Oh I fell off my bike.
I grew up in a bad house but nobody ever believes it because they know my parents or I'm so happy or that's not possible.
But it is.
I'm a really good liar. I'm really good at manipulation and deception. I suck at acting in shows but when I'm on the stage that I call my house I'm really dang good at it.
I'm not boasting about it. I'm not proud of it. But unfortunately I've been conditioned to these things when I have to lie to my parents to avoid the pain.
Just them though. I don't lie to my friends.
I've lied to my parents about a lot. And rightfully so. They've always lied to me.
They lied to me about my own birth mother saying she "fell off the grid" when in reality she fell back into her crippling addiction and overdosed on drugs because drugs was what she was best at. Drugs is why I'm here. I didn't ask to be here.I'm here because Marie Smith decided that since she had no money she'd just hook up with her dealer. But when she told her dealer she was pregnant with a baby girl he left, squeezing himself into the black dad stereotype.
I guess I'm the way I am because my birth parents were so bad. It's in my nature. And it doesn't help that the new parents I'd been given were horrible people as well.
So after years of dealing with these families, of losing all my friends for being a "bad kid", years of being bullied for being too black for the white kids and too white for the black kids, for being larger than most girls, for hitting puberty before everyone else in my 3rd grade class, for being short and loud. I've decided not to feel.
I've gotten better at controlling my lying habits and my manipulation, But I'll keep shoving my feelings into a locked safe that's been wrapped up in 500 rolls of tape and thrown into the deepest depths of the ocean because I've learned not to feel.
Instead I'll keep being your funny friend who cracks jokes all the time and who has a whole friend group that follows me everywhere because I'm so nice and funny and I listen to their problems.
Or I'll keep being the loud annoying girl that you and your friend group talk about and make fun of for being so obnoxious.
Or, hey! I could even be the girl that your mom told you not to talk to anymore because I'm such a bad influence. Don't feel bad, I've heard it 34 times. I made a list.
I'll be whatever you want me to be but I refuse to be someone who feels.