Living in a Mirage

Chapter Twenty-Four

"You will never really think hard about your life until your oxygen mask is taken away from you when you are at the bed of the ocean. At that exact moment, your true self will be revealed. You will really know if you are a believer or an atheist, whether you really love life or hate it as you usually say. All your claims will be tested"

― Bangambiki Habyarimana, Pearls Of Eternity

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There have been countless times, countless moments which made Manik feel as if he has spent the last four years encased in a thick sheet of ice that would not let him feel anything, much less happiness or peace. Only her thoughts, her memories, and anything related to her could surpass that sheet of ice and make him feel. Somehow, in one way or another, only she has been able to stay with him, even then, even there, even if not in the way she should have, or how he wanted her to. But she did stay. So close by, so much into his own existence that it made him doubt; has she ever been outside of that sheet of ice? Was she really part of him the way others told him she was and not the way he thought her to be? Was she actually just what his mind had come up with to survive the harshness and darkness his life had been?

For him, Nandini has been encased in that sheet of ice too, with him, into him. Frozen in time, never getting old, never losing a bit of her glow, never changing. That was all he knew. With years, the constant doubts about her existence had made his brain come up with answers, or at least trying hard to. But after a certain point, he had stopped. Yes, she was real for him. And yes, it was okay if he didn't remember her to the taintest details as much as he would have liked to. Or as much as the people around him demanded him to. And yes, it hurt. It hurt, it was painful, he felt rage and helpless when he was asked about her yet he couldn't answer. Or couldn't tell if what he was saying was a lie his brain made up that moment or if he could trust his memory. Yes, he didn't know where she came from or where she was now, or even if he couldn't prove whether she was only his imagination or reality, after years, he didn't know for sure. A part of him didn't even care. As long as she was with him, he wasn't alone in there that sheet of ice...

Wasn't that enough?

It should have been...

So why now was his mind projecting her in such a way that was too overwhelming to him? Now it wasn't a question of survival, now his own mind was torturing him, taunting him, being too cruel to him. Even more than when it had been when it had created nightmares and illusions due to the medicine that his therapist had given him.

Was he losing himself?

His sanity?

Was his system finally shutting down, unable to cope with reality?

What was happening to him?

There was so much confusion, so many questions, so much he wanted to know and so much he never wanted to discover...

Yet coming in and out of consciousness, the only thing that rang in his ears was only one voice calling his name, the voice, her voice...

"Manik!"

Barely heard whispers...

Her calling out his name...

Sometimes relieved...

Sometimes in pain...

Sometimes in hope...

And sometimes in helplessness...