Back Then

chapter 1

When I looked back, everything was filled with regret, I was so lost that I wanted to go back in time, then I told myself that sometimes we have to get lost in order to find ourselves again.

My life was all a mirage . Indeed I was searching for something that I might have lost at some point. My unsettled mind was storming against my heart , all I could feel was the sourness of my breath and emotions all huddled up .

Everything started from a midnight bachelor's party . My drunk cerebral self was imagining all high , more shots , more freedom  . Ahad being professional in convincing people , especially me tried to stop. I was stumbling , I wasn't the same  , the codes mixed up , caught in roller coasters of chill and pleasure deceiving the urge to be real on this land , I dreamt in that paranormal. The inside of my stomach almost rejected my new guest .

Ahad saw me driving high , like I'm flying around this universe in starlit airy dust devoid of people and their unsolicited opinions. I gazed at him , he never looked this handsome , my gaze might have put in him in trouble , I don't recall . May be my eyes are in a new abnormal . His chiseled jaw lines were as perfect as kohinoor and the lips - moist and rosy , I was staring .

My brain warned , as I started looking at him with lustful eyes . My nerves experience the inability to negotiate , especially when it is about Ahad , I feel a little vulnerable .

"Sands, I'll drop you home" he grumbled.

I was put into the backseat , he  adjusted the small pillows so that I don't trip, I could see that even if i was in a bad state to react or respond . The day was very much remarkable, as it was the first day I ever crossed the limit , i shouldn't have consumed that much , atleast to keep the promise I gave to my sweet siblings.

I was pretty numb and cozy , losing balance between my back and limbs , almost bending down my posture. Imagining myself at places and irritating my own reluctance to pull out things I feel .

Battling between the borders of reality and dizziness , eating the midnight air as my inner uncertainty persists .

Ahad stopped the car , opened the door , he seemed annoyed yet patient, his eyes could explain what he felt , the irritation that he couldn't ignite buried him into a silence , mysteriously .

The next day I woke up to a humble and gentle wind from the south , blowing my urge to fly like a pretty cloud bringing the realisation that I have been thrown back into the painful world , where  I can't switch myself to some euphoric peace. But the physical wind was nice , enough to enhance the little positivism inside me . When I rushed to shower , I paused myself to rewind about the night , shots I took and Ahad , both being my weakness.

I never wanted to drink as my father troubled our entire childhood being an alcoholic , we grew up seeing my mom grieving herself in ignorance and pain  . I never saw them having a moment of joy , for him she is just a woman who gave birth to the children he never wanted , the trash.

Me , Tina , Ross and Jake were all children when she died from an unexpected silent attack due to diabetes , that we became hopeless and homeless at that little age going through a lot of things unbearable for that age . We were all left alone , hopeless . In this world of billions, we had literally no one other than few eyes of sympathy .The paths we had to encounter in order to survive and grew up alone starting from one , is another long hardship story , literally hard to explain .

I started drinking everyday since I believed it was one of the easiest means to escape this horrible space and skid into an euphoric state , unbothered.

I didn't know about the limit or limitations, rather I never cared about the cirrhosis that I wasn't any afraid to die .

Two years later , I could see myself being kicked out of the department . Watching myself falling apart broke my self esteem into tiny crumbs .

The situation where I'm tangled between life and death , the situation I gave for myself.

I couldn't keep up the Wilson's rules we made as children, we promised each other that we would never ever follow our dad since the traumas he gave taught us trillions of moral lessons at that young age .

Tina and Jake work at McQueen's press. And Ross is a lawyer and wealthiest amongst . There is no point in introducing uninvited dramas into their lives , so i chose to stay away even if I was having a little urge to go back as normal as possible .

I tried to reach Ross , but should I do that , will I become a burden ? I doubted . The fact that I can't help myself to stop drinking and me wanting to stop it rebelled simultaneously.

I was stuck in the new conflict where I find myself losing everything I have especially my self respect and peace .

My body has been weak , almost disabled from head to toe , i can barely walk. My veins vanished to Jupiter . I'm yellow , blood drained and was potentially turning into a living corpse .

To save myself from the pain of being abandoned by everyone, I started running behind the worst . I inject drugs so often that I forgot needles actually hurt and to stop vapes were my new toxic therapy .I kept on choosing wrong paths without a speck of hesitation . From a normal cautious girl to a wild beast , I grew . I was fucking bad and kept on proving it.

Saturation is a disease and I was caught by it . Being barred at the point where I could choose between death and life , I was still not able to recover myself and get back .

I even pushed Ahad away from my life just allowing him to lead a less problematic life. Purifying myself was like a dream , a good dream after a nightmare.

Is there any point in me living this F life ? I thought.

Along with destroying my physical health , I also trashed my job , my apartment and got abandoned by everyone. I sabotaged my own personality .

Did I just become that audacious to end it all there?

- yes , I did .

My life took me there to the point where we accept to the fate and just give up on everything we ever wanted .

These things never wash out . The next time I opened my eyes , I could see Ross , his manager and Ahad besides me. I'm alive , subsisting .
I heard doctor - " it's ok , but you have to book for rehabilitation , otherwise ...." . I knew it and I needed it . I was grateful for this second life . Nothing is better than finding yourself in a better place around better people living a better life, escaping from a horrific and dying situation.

It was all a mirage .

Ross assigned me in his office as a new staff . Tina and Jake visit me often.

And my life was blooming with all the beautiful colours and essences