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Ever since I joined BTS, life has been more bearable. Of course there were days when I wanted to give up on everything and return to Busan and into my mom's warm arm. But I didn't
I didn't cause I was not my own from the moment I stepped into bighit, from the moment when Namjoon hyung hugged me when I told him I ain't leaving, from the moment when I was on the stage for the first, from the moment army chanted my name along with the rest of the members.
I was never Jeon Jungkook from the moment I signed the contract. Since then, I have always been JEON JUNGKOOK OF BTS.
Not that I mind, the love and affection I and other members recieve from the fans, armies and the music industry doesn't let us mind that we invested our youth towards them.
Even if somebody will offer me to switch my career, I will humbly decline. I agree BTS ain't that active right now, but we and even our fans know that we always come back stronger than ever.
Lately, me and other hyungs mutually decided to take separate paths in order to grow individually. But the question for me that is yet to be solved is
What is the thing that I want to grow in?
No doubt, army adores me. But there is something I am unable to figure out, it feels like I'm just breathing and not actually living my life. It feels empty, it feels weird to go home and not having someone waiting for me just like all the hyung were used to wait for me in the dorms.
In New York, I had packed up schedule. Same for LA, the main motive to have this kind of schedule is to not feel lonely.
I have almost everything a normal person needs, from money to fame. You name it but what I don't have is someone to lean on.
Someone to argue with, someone to have fun with, someone to have a decent meal with, someone who will sit beside me when I'm not well.
Life is a funny game of death and life, one moment you think everything is scattered into pieces just like glass:- when it is met with the hard surface when thrown with force and another moment life is all about rainbows with sunshine.
If somebody would've asked me in the past that whom I will think for the last time when I feel like this is the end of me, I would've smiled and said of course army and members.
But now, it is not like that. Not for a milliseconds the thought of army or hyungs crossed my mind, surprising no?
For me I experienced this all in just one day. Yes, just one day Just like glass, I thought I would be crushed into fine pieces when my car was collided with the truck. Back in the car, I thought this is my end. The final end of Jeon Jungkook of BTS, but with god's grace I survived.
I took a sharp intake of what seems like oxygen from the oxygen mask, despite having the mask over my breathing body parts. I could still smell the disinfectant that is used in the hospital. From that all, I figured out that I am alive yet.
