My light. My everything.

1.

(Just so this makes sense: Hope talks to herself in her head in the third person as if she's comforting herself - when she does this it's shown in itallics)

You got this Hope, just make conversation, something interesting preferably. They are your friends, just sit with them and don't overthink things. I love you Hope it's okay. It doesn't matter what they think.

"Hi, I've just come from alchem studies, did you two have a class or have you been here for awhile?" Hope spoke as she watched the subtly irritated expressions of both Cleo and Landon form the minute she walked to their table.
"No we didn't have a class, we have history in half an hour though," Landon responded as he regretfully moved his coat so Hope could sit down.

Hope could feel an unspoken tension. This is usually how it feels whenever she's around her friends: an untold but known dislike of her, barricading her ability to speak.

Just try Hope. It'll make it worse if you just came here to sit and not talk. They are your friends, they haven't told you anything for you to think otherwise.

"So are you guys prepared for finals in a few days?" She'd asked. A simple question that only required a short answer. Something easy they could bounce further conversations from.

Either her voice had been taken or they had made it leave. Both her friends didn't acknowledge the question; now taking part in a conversation of their own- involving topics she clearly hadn't been disclosed about. Maybe they hadn't heard her. Maybe they were having an off day and didn't feel like talking. Maybe they were distracted. Day after day she made the same reasons up in her head. Begging to some unknown that the reasons be true.

"I hear we might be moving dorms soon, I think the school Council voted for a rearrange of rooms," she tries again. This time a slight noise of acknowledgement comes from Cleo before she shows landon something on her phone.

Eventually the noise of the cafeteria filtered through the defening silence of the table, and Hope let it overflow through her ears. The sound now becoming a sanctuary for her anxiety and she let herself be taken into it.

When her mind returned, both Cleo and Landon had left. Maybe they had said goodbye and she hadn't heard. It's probably her fault, she was being quiet after all.

Just one more lesson Hope and you can forget it all I promise.

Unfortunately for her, her final lesson was P.E.

After waiting another hour or so for her lesson, she picked herself up and made her way to the changing rooms. Hope wasn't really one for wearing tight leggings and a shirt like most of her peers. Seeing her body as clear as that wasn't something she ever wanted to do. So she slipped on some baggy grey sweatpants and a grey hoodie.

It wasn't necessarily an unflattering outfit at all, it just wasn't what was popular.

"Your clothes are ...interesting," Cleo said laughing. The tone clearly mocking.

"Well I like them. They're comfortable," Hope said, not really snapping back - but letting it be known that she didn't care what Cleo thought.

She did.

"Oh yeah well they are nice. Just dull. They suit you though," Cleo responded. The pretense of a kind persona there, and responding in a way just nice enough that Hope being upset by it would seem like an overreaction.

Hope wasn't an angry person. Infact she wasn't mad at Cleo at all. The problem was that now, she would spend the whole of P.E thinking about it. Her looks, her weight, if other people though she was ugly. A now constant spiral in her head from just a tiny conversation. Was she broken?

It's okay Hope, its okay, it's okay. It's not that big a deal. The outfit you are wearing is fine. And even if its not its not because you are disgusting. Cleo didn't mean anything by it. You are overthinking. It's okay. Just breathe.

Of course to make matters worse, her overthinking caused Hope to not concentrate as well in a game of volleyball. And a now 30mph ball came plummeting from her hands and toward Josie Saltzmans head, causing what looked like a broken nose and alot of blood.

"Josie!" Lizzie exclaimed as she ran over to her, followed by all her friends all making sure the young saltzman was okay.

Hope should've joined them. She wanted to run over and make sure she was okay too.

Breathe Hope breathe. Hope what is wrong with you?!? Just say you are sorry its okay. Hope just move toward her. 

But she couldn't. If she went over there she'd break into a million pieces. And she didn't know why. It was her fault. All of this is her fault.

Josie and Hope had never really been close. They weren't apart of the same crowd. Josies group tended to be academic, creative, kind whereas Hope's group was more... rude and self destructive. 

"Well aren't you gonna say anything you fucking bitch, you did this on purpose. We all know you have problems controlling yourself," Jen hollered over at Hope who was still on the other side of the net.

The class laughed and Hope didn't really know what Jen meant, it's true Hope was known to get drunk and do drugs sometimes, but it wasn't as if Landon and Cleo didn't do that also - along with several other people at the school. And yet, they were all laughing too. So what did 'controlling herself' mean?

"Jen shut up," Josie said annoyed , "she didn't mean to and I'm fine anyway" Josie unpulled herself from the crowd of people around her and went to sit down. But by the time she was away from her crowd of friends, Hope had left the sports hall.

Update 1. Throughout early stages of the fanfic I will update more regularly but after abt 10 chapters I'll update every Sunday night xxxx