la douleur exquise 'exquisite pain'

just you.

sitting in my bedroom, at my vanity
looking at myself in my mirror
my mothers bright red lipstick in my right hand
i slowly twist it up and reach closer to my face
as it gets closer it begins to outline my lips
i don't stop until my lips are filled and are now red
his name
his last name
wish it were mine
all i could ever think about, was his name
i am so deeply, madly in love with him
him
us
our life
fake life
wondering why he pulls the strings of my heart so tight that it hurts to beat
if you don't love me
why do you act like you do
when i tell a joke that's not funny
and you laugh
and give me that look
with those eyes
and that smile
or when we are in the back of my car
and your hands are running through my hair
and down my back
pushing my head down into you
or when i'm arched down on my bed
with you over me
in me
sweating
breathing hard
and i feel you
i feel your heart
it's racing
and the funny thing is
you never tell me to stop
but to keep going
more
yes
fuck
faster
that's it
right there
and then we don't talk about it after
never
i stop and look at myself in the mirror
my thoughts don't
why can't i be her
better yet
why can't it be me
a single tear rolls down my cheek
eventually reaching that red lipstick
the taste on my tongue is salty
like me
i wipe the lipstick off and lay in my bed
as you just were
and breathed into my pillow
the one you were laying on
your scent
it's like crack
i wish it were on me
i close my eyes as more tears begin to fall
as i realize what i always subconsciously thought
that we can never be together
ever.