Love is the greatest despair

More Than Death

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My beloved, she has made me want to live. She has made me love her without reason, without understanding. Why? Just why? Why do I love her? What is in her that makes her different than the rest?I do not know. I do not think there is anyone who knows. But one thing that I do know is that I love her.

I love her to the point where my body shakes, my bones shiver, tears come up, blood flow, I love her to the point of suffocating.

Perhaps, the only thing I have ever truly wanted other than Death is her.

I used to think about death a lot. But, now the only thing I ever catch myself thinking about is my beloved.

I used to close my eyes hoping that Death will come and take me away, far away form everything and everyone. I used to be disappointed when I had to open my eyes because that would mean  I had to carry on with the same routine that was handed to me before I was even born. When going to school, I used to hope that the car coming my way will crash into me. Just so, Death can come and hug me. While, the teacher are doing their jobs I just to think about how I can die any moment. I used to gaze no where in particular and think and Death. And Life, if pushing it. I used to think about what if means to live. As I was only just alive. Like a hollow shell with human skin. I used to think about how I would go to hell if I die. After all, i have done nothing to please God. I have done nothing but act my whole life. But, even the thought of going to hell didn't stop me from aching for Death.

Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death
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Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death

That's all I ever thought about. Death, my hero, my saviour. Death who I wished for every moment of my life.

But, ever since I have realized that I have fallen for my beloved. It's as though she has replaced Death for me.

Now, when I close my eyes I wish to wake up, hoping I will get to spend a moment with her. I will force myself out of bed just so I can go to school and even from a far see her. When I am crossing the road, I hope to catch a glimpse of her.While, the teachers are doing their job, I hope I will get to have her all to myself today, I hope that I will get to spend time a little longer with her. I hope that she will pay me attention.

Now, I don't wish it is Death who embrace me. I wish it's my beloved.

Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved
Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved
Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved
Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved
Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved
Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved
Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved Beloved   Beloved   Beloved   Beloved

My head, my mind, my soul everything is about my beloved. Every single thought is consumed by her. And that is no surprise. As she has made me a living human.

I have no individuality. I am what people think of me, I am what people want me to do. I am not my individual. Even when there is someone I do not want to do, I have to. As that's what's expected from me. When I can't reach someone's expectations. I feel as though there is no existence of me anymore. I won't do anything against your wishes.

But if there is one thing that I will not let people control about me that is my beloved. She is the only thing I want. It doesn't matter if me loving her makes someone not like me. That does not define me anymore. What now defines me is that I am just a fool, who is going insane in the name of love.

Being a fool, is my individuality.

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