If You'd Let Me

Chapter 12

Someone shook me awake.

"Hm?" I mumbled sleepily. Then the danger registered. There was an unknown person here. My hand shot out to grab the attacker by their throat.

The attacker choked out, "Ziv, it's me."

Then the attacker came in clear view. It was Zed. I released him immediately, mumbling a 'sorry'.

Zed looked at me strangely.

"What?"

"What language was that, Ziv?"

Then it registered. The apology hadn't been in English.

"Doesn't matter. I'm sorry. For choking you I mean."

He nodded.

Wait. He was in my apartment. Zed was here. He wasn't supposed to be here. He couldn't be he—

"—Hey, hey. You're safe. You're safe. Everything will be fine." He must have seen the inner turmoil on my face.

I was agitated and drowning and lost.

His arms embraced me. I felt safe. I was safe. We stayed there, hugging each other on the ground for a long time.

Zed moved us eventually to my bed. He made me eat and drink something. I couldn't remember the last time I had. Was it a few days ago? It had to be a few days ago. I didn't want to, but Zed said it was good for me, so I obeyed and ate my food and drank some water.

He held me as we went to sleep. He didn't chase the nightmares away, but he was there to calm me down after I woke up gasping frantically for air. He was there rocking me  gently as he waited for me to calm down.

The next day he made sure I ate again. I didn't think I would have if he hadn't made sure of it.

Zed called someone, saying he was taking a few days off. It was probably work.

I was so tired.

Zed made me take a shower, saying I would feel better after. I did feel a bit better after, but my energy was completely drained. He had laid a clean set of clothes out for me. After I freshened up, I rejoined him in the kitchen, where he was cooking.

I hugged him from behind, my chin leaning on his shoulder, tired from showering. He was wearing other clothes, I noted. I picked at his clothes curiously.

"Liz brought them by," he told me.

I hummed. Another person that knew where I lived. I wasn't safe. I wasn't safe. They would find me. They would fin—

"Hey, hey, hey! I'm sorry. I should have asked if that's alright. I forgot. I'm sorry," he cupped my face with both hands. "Deep breaths, deep breaths, Zee."

I nodded, following his example, copying his breathing pattern. It wasn't the end of the world. Zed and Eliza wouldn't tell a soul. They would keep my secrets. I was safe. I was safe. I was safe. I almost believed it. Almost. I calmed down, clinging onto him. I breathed with him, looking into his concerned eyes.

"I'm really sorry, Zee."

"I know," I muttered.

He pulled me into him and I clung onto him like my survival depended on it. It just might.

When he was here, I wasn't drowning alone. I didn't like drowning alone. I didn't like drowning, but if i could choose how to drown then I didn't want to do it alone. I didn't wish for him to drown too, but I needed him there with my by my side.

I hadn't even realised I had been lonely for such a long time. Maybe I had been, but had ignored it. He held me and reminded me of the home I once felt. I hadn't been home for such a long time. But he was like home and I missed it dearly.

Zed stayed with me for another whole day. "If you ever need me or whenever you need someone to talk to, a friend, a hug or someone to take care of you and hold you up, let me know. Call me."

I nodded, then a thought struck me. "I don't have your number."

He held his hand out for my phone and put his name in my contacts.

"Wait, you called me, but you didn't even have my number. How did you get it?"

He smiled sheepishly at me. "I might have asked Illyana for it." He meant Carmine. Illyana was her real name, though I wasn't supposed to know that.

"You didn't have the right to do that." I straightened, pushing my shoulders back, lifting my head to meet his gaze. The song of predators was buzzing through my veins. Zed didn't back down like literally anyone else would. He wasn't afraid of the predator. He should be, but he wasn't. "You know the rules, Zedekiah."

He flinched at his full name. "I know," he muttered docilely.

"You broke that rule, Zedekiah."

"I know," he looked away as I glared at him.

The consequences of breaking those rules were severe. He shouldn't have done that.

"I was worried," he muttered, looking up and meeting my eyes. "Liz said you dropped off the grid and told me. You're never that long away from her. She was worried — I was worried — about you and we had no way of checking up on you, so I called Illyana."

I hummed.

"She said you do that sometimes, dropping off the grid I mean. She said you do it when it's all too much. That you need time to pull yourself together."

I tensed. "She had no right to tell you that." I took a step closer. We were now chest to chest. I glared at him, but he met my gaze unflinchingly.

"Please don't be mad at her," he said softly. "She meant well and if anything, I pushed her for answers. If anyone's to blame, you should blame me."

"Maybe I will," I retorted.

"I pushed for answers, because I was worried about you Zee. I knew it was probably the same as what happens sometimes at Liz'. I knew I could probably help, or at least be there for you. It was all with what's best for you in mind. So you can be mad at me for trying to take care of you, but I'd do it again if I had too. Because I care."

I glowered at him and turned away. I stood in front of the window, looking outside, searching for something. Anything.

The front door opened and closed. He had gotten the hint — to leave. He might be welcome back some day, but at least for a while he wouldn't be. It might seem harsh. But he understood. He had broken a rule. He had gone out of his way to contact a Haima. That was one thing that was unforgivable.

Carmine was the only exception from that rule in all these years and that was only because there had been an incident where Roana, our leader, contacted Zed first.

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