_ I'm drowning _

chapter1: what is the use of life...

         This life that we live is built on many foundations and in order to find it, we have to be in a family that gives us this thing that teaches us what it means, or even loyal friends who will help in your education, but if you are a broken rope there is no other rope to tie it to, how will you live.
   
    This is me living like an outsider in this life, all the things that a person does not want, such as hatred, poverty, illness, loneliness and sadness... Since my nails are soft and I live with these things, so I usually feel strong because there is nothing to be afraid of or anyone to worry about, and sometimes I wonder who I am or in other words, Am I a human being or just a monster in human form; the second option is correct, I am a monster for the reason that I am like this, I do not feel pity, love or kindness from anyone, even if it is a child.
     
     Let everyone take care of their own affairs, this is my rule in life, my
worries are enough for me, I'm a girl at the age of flowers or no flowers have withered into ashes, so I'm 18 years old, and what luck I have an ominous name "Emma" that has no history or some event, but I don't like it just maybe because it's the nameThe name given to me by my so-called family, who left me one rainy day in a landfill.

    It's not something that saddens me, but it saddens me that they left me something related to them, which is this name, in disbelief every day I ask the orphanage manager if my name was really written in the letter so she repeats the same story to me daily, she told me that she came to that place every day to dump waste the day she found me; she said I was in the form of a skeleton because my bones were clearly showing pale blue; for the first moment she thought I was dead until she listened to my heartbeat and took me to contain me.                                   

    Before all this, I have to massage the taste of life, I don't think I will get to him that life is mortal and they will burn at the bottom of hell if there is no need for all these schemes, I just want to get out of this space, damn now I realized how fragile and cowardly I am looking for someone to get me out, it's impossible to get out alone from the first I was claiming strength and courage, and this is what I don't like in my character, and no, there is a solution, so why am I going to get out; life is already false and deceitful, so don't do it, but I crave death, have mercy, and it has no rules like life, if I live in it, you have to be strong, I'm just a cowardly being, so death is easier....

     These are the thoughts that I have every day, every hour, every minute, because I can't stop them, so I try to hold on to live with them, the day I decide to end the life of this body, or more precisely this pessimistic black soul....