_ I'm drowning _

chapter3: Apainful Feeling Overtakes Me And I Can't Escape From It

The heart, although it is an organ connected to the body, but at the same time connected to the soul, somehow the feeling was established that generates love, hatred, attachment, envy, but I could not experience any of these things except the last, or to say with more certainty logic that I have not tried to be able to have it, that is, since my mental and cognitive maturation of this life in which I am now. From it we can say that I live in the world of feeling........ .

I'm not a book lover just to arrive at four in the evening to go to work, this is a habit I always do after the lecture, maybe because I feel alienated in the social environment; most people wait in cafes or shops.......... But I'm in the library, and the strange thing is that I don't hold any books, I just sit in a corner out of sight and let thoughts invade my mind....... .

Some people find it interesting to work, especially if you work in an office or in a shop........ And the other sees that he is tired because it may take him an intellectual and mental effort, but I am neither this nor that, but I see it as a way of living; I have no opportunity to choose it because I have to appreciate the things that I have, despite their simplicity, what Is Money ,in order not to live humiliated and this money is not a goal, but a duty to get it in order to feel like a human being.....

I move a cement bag fifty kg on the back every day, this is my job that does not suit the gender of Eve in any age group, but I do not complain about it because I have no one to complain to, that's what my heart tells me, but my mind has the opposite opinion, he sees that I have to get used to this and that the lustful looks of men, I don't blur my face with those powders, and I don't wear anything tempting or strange or expensive, yet I realize that I am among lustful animals and not humans..

"Where am I going now "is what I say whenever I get out of work, and after a long thought I say," Emma, you have no right to go somewhere, you have to go home, you are a girl, and in order to understand well, let's know that you are like the sun, when the moon appears, she disappears because she is afraid " that's what my mind dictates to me every day to wake up from those repeated trivial hallucinations like going out for a walk or buying a dress .....Or to say that he controls me and I follow him, because I can trust him with my eyes closed ...

As soon as I go to sleep, I have strange thoughts, I see that today is different from the rest of the days because in the previous days I was thinking if I had a family, or it was rich, or I had magical powers... But today I'm wondering, " Am I autistic?" "No, it can't because I don't relate to things, I'm not attached to something and I cry for it, but autism has stages and I'm probably in the early stages of" how will I know and I'm not a doctor" .

True, when I conclude all these questions, I find that I am isolated from people, even if they are Muslims, I live in complete isolation from indifference, I worry for no good reason and start cursing myself....... If I had someone or, more precisely, a family, for what I would have been infected, it's a painful and cruel feeling, I feel that someone is strangling me, I want to break free and run away from him, but I can't.... Is loneliness that painful I can't stand it, I want someone because I'm still a little girl who needs a warm hug that contains me .... From the coldness of this feeling.... .