_ I'm drowning _

chapter4: A Seed Of Hope

As human beings in this life, we need something to humanize our loneliness, and it is this thing that we make a goal to live with, more precisely, a ray of hope, especially for the one who claims to be okay; the one who has everything yet is not okay, let alone the one who has nothing like me ..... Do I really need this hope I'm sure I need it, even if it's just a small seed..... .

Ten in the morning in careless timing, " damn, I was late for the lecture if I hadn't been philosophizing so much, I would have slept like humans, but I kept thinking and thinking until I found three in the morning, and if all this thinking had any benefit on my future, I wouldn't have complained about it, but it's just philosophizing and moving away from reality and entering the subconscious..... Here I am philosophizing again, I want to cry, sigh and scream, I don't want to continue the rest of my life like this because I feel suffocated ......".

Now that my day has passed, or I say this is not a new day, it's yesterday, just a change in history: "well, where am I going, is it home?"Or the house" what is this trivial question, " well, because there is no change in the day, I said Why don't I change my speech because I repeat the same speech every day, I was programmed for that; I'm a robot?""Is there an invisible person controlling me No, it can't be because yesterday I had a cut on my hand, it hurts and a person is in pain, but nevertheless, despite the acute pain, it is strikingly wonderful ..... .

As I know that most teenagers go through a period of depression and make cuts in their arms, I'm not one of them, I'm different, I don't know if the difference is good or bad, I just know that it's a beautiful feeling and a unique experience..... .

The chat group in which I signed up for group projects, where I send tasks and the way they work and are completed, and then I wonder. Could they think I'm Google's search engine Because if someone sees my messages, he will just find a way to create a search first :......... ; This is how my letters are always detailed and informative, and this is none of my business, everyone cares about their own affairs, and this is how a person should live if he wants to be human.... .

Someone, a tattoo artist, sent me photos of tattoos on paper and on the body, so I had a desire to try this amazing art, but in a unique way. "It's a really beautiful butterfly" the knife is better than that pen, because blood is pure pure color, not made like colors, so it adds a wonderful touch to the drawing; I can say for sure that it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life....... Is this what they call creativity? .

Have you become a human now, they say to be a human you have to find something that you like, catches your eye or is attracted to, that's how I feel attracted with these drawings, "yesterday a butterfly and today what I'm going to draw, you see "" a flower ! "It's a beautiful and cute thing, so I'm going to paint it, maybe if I painted it, my life will blossom and become like it ...... .

Some people will think that what I'm doing is completely crazy, and not Partly, but they are wrong, or I can say that I don't care about their opinion because I consider it art, something that I was attracted to for the first time in my life .... .

Now I feel alive , not completely, but it's okay as long as I have a seed of Hope trying to get me out of this black space, so I'm not going to let it get away from me, because I really need it because I don't have anything, I just have hope, so no matter how painful, dangerous or strange I may be..... I will keep you with me, because you have become an integral part of me..... .