See the rain through one eye

3

Since that conversation with Xie Lian something changed in Hua Cheng.

At first it wasn't so noticeable.

But it grew. And suddenly Hua Cheng wasn't looking into Xie Lian's eyes like he used to. Suddenly Hua Cheng wasn't as animated as he used to be.

His devotion never wavered but he seeped incredibly upset over something and try as he may Xie Lian just couldn't get the ghost to tell him what's wrong.

Hua Cheng would constantly brush him off. "I'm fine gege, why would I be upset when I have you?" He'd say. And if Xie Lian pushed a bit harder. "Dianxia's worry makes this San Lang's heart burst in happiness but it's not warranted as everything is fine." Then he'd place a kiss to the gods head and whisper. "Believe me."

Xie Lian didn't believe him. A ghost who was once so happy to be together now seemed upset whenever they were together. Granted it didn't seem Hua Cheng was upset with him but he was still sad. As if Xie Lian's presence reminded him of something.

Perhaps memories of the past were resurfacing. Just like when Xie Lian sleeps perhaps Hua Cheng is also having flash backs to a time not so pleasant.

The thought upset Xie Lian greatly but he understood why Hua Cheng would hide it. They didn't like to talk about their past much. A sort of mutual understanding that it was far behind them and it needed no attention. That's not to say they were hiding or running from their past. They both acknowledge where they'd come from, they simply chose to not dwell on such unpleasant experience.

So with that in mind Xie Lian tried to comfort Hua Cheng like the ghost always does for him. He'd snuggle closer at night and make sure to give lots of affection to the other. He'd whisper happy memories and affirmations of love and devotion.

Perhaps it would help. Perhaps Hua Cheng would return back to himself. But he knows it can take time. So Xie lian will wait.

Something dangerous is stirring in Hua Cheng. It took him over. Nocked him down like a tidal wave. And drenched him in nothing but self loathing and hatred.

He couldn't bare to look his god in the eye knowing what crimes he's committed. Xie lian seemed uncaring but that's only because he didn't understand just how grave this crime is.

In fact it seems Xie lian had never been more in love with Hua Cheng than he is now and that only deepens the pit of negativity that's taking over his body.

He won't allow it! Xie lian is his god. His love. His whole existences! 

He couldn't ask as if he had done nothing. He would not stand by living out his years knowing he's the reason Xie lian can't sleep alone.

For it was clear Hua Cheng was the one who subjected Xie Lian to all the suffering of 800 years.

It's a bold claim and one Hua Cheng doesn't admit to lightly. He's not bragging either by claiming it to be him. He's acknowledging it.

Xie Lian always said don't run from your past. You can't out-hide from it it's always there lurking. To truly move on you must acknowledge it. Then you may lay it to rest. Even then his god knows the past will hurt. He doesn't ever think it won't but it's shaped him into who he is today and it brought him to Hua Cheng so the god has never once complained.

But Hua Cheng complains. Not always out loud. He'd never once let Xie lian know he was the one at fault. It would crush and betray him so deeply Hua Cheng fears he'd never be the same. The god wouldn't ever bounce back. So instead he plans to fix it. Fix it so that no one will know. If he can fix it. Then in the future he will be able to love Xie lian without the guilt of having caused so much suffering.

Xie lian won't have the pain. He'll be happy. He'll have friends and with such Hua Cheng, wether alive or dead or reincarnated, will be happy.

And just like that the reason becomes the blame. It's so simple. So quick. It takes a second and suddenly the world is about to change. All thanks to the power of devotion.

And once more Hua Cheng became a monster.

It had been long awaited. Planned out meticulously. Nothing would fail and Hua Cheng would make sure of it.

So one night after tucking Xie Lian in and waiting for his beloveds breathing to even out. He slipped away into the night to find a certain ex god. Hua Cheng's mind so worn down from his worry and guilt ignores all signs of danger. He doesn't check the facts and most importantly he had never once confided in his God. Perhaps that's why the only god to be able to help him was there one who had been waiting years to see the ghosts face. He had known this would happen. He had waited to hear the request he knew would come. And he laughed to himself thinking how perfectly everything had turned out.

Xie Lian oblivious to it all stays sleeping peacefully. His back was completely turned to the meteor about to shatter his world. He simply sleeps without worry.

"Forgive me Dianxia." Hua Cheng whispers to his beloved husband kissing his forehead gently. "Soon it shall be fine. I shall make everything fine."

But without the warmth his husband to ward off the nightmares, Xie Lian soon started to feel cold and alone. And with such feeling come the terrors of his past sliding in as Hua Cheng slides out. They shroud his brain in darkness ready to replay the worst moments of Xie Lian's life. They're ready to show him that faces of those dead at his hands. The blood he can never scrub away.

And suddenly he's back on that damn float. Acting out the painful choreography, sword in hand mask on his face.

He was back at the time he had dreamt of many times. But this time it's a nightmare. The one where Xie Lian doesn't reach Hua Cheng in time.