Vent

What happened April 3

Heyy, okay so yesterday I was high out of my fucking mind on weed and started hearing everyone whisper about me but I think that might just be the voices in my head too. It's hard to tell anymore what the voices are and what's not.

Well I freaked out, asked my Friend, well call her Lopez, to take me to the nurse's office. Don't remember much but do remember her getting my family helper in the office. The nurse gave me some crackers and Lopez got me some water. Then I got left alone in my family helper (well call em FH for short) office for a good while. I just hid under the table and thought I heard people talking. It was hard to tell if it was all in my head or people were actually saying it. But I heard 2 girls talking and saying "yea she's always afraid of me, she's so weird, she doesn't care if we talk about her like this anymore" and basically trash talked me. And male teacher was like "hahaha! Really gonna talk about her with her just in the other room" but he never stopped them, and just laughed along. Then another counselor was like "I actually have moments like this" like shes been through what I've been through. I don't really remember the whole conversation but I got the jist of it. It made me feel small. And I just wanted to die.

I was hiding under the table cause I wanted not to be seen anymore. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to just quit existing. Had the urge to just grab a pencil and stab myself in the eyes but I didn't cause I had another thought like "well if I survive then people are just gonna call me an attention getter, and my life would officially be over." So I decided not to do that. I just listened to whatever either the voices or people were saying until one of them said "All the boys think she's a proper lady and well together but she is just so unstable" and another said "it's the weed" and they laughed.

Idk why, but her saying that the boys thought I was a lady was kind of a huge ego booster for me. Idk, I kinda grew up in a home with a sexist man for the first few years of my life, so that could be why I look for male validation all the time. Or I'm just fucking really insecure, which I am. Like you have no fucking idea how bad it is, I feel like nobody does. But anyways, I wasn't talking at all and I was eating that shit up, then I heard them say "she's eating that up!" Like trying to make fun of me for it. But I was confused cause I don't know how they heard me. I mean I was moving my mouth but no sound was coming out while talking to myself. I was like "There right, I am a mother fucking lady. Laterally freaking out for no reason. I'm so fucking badass like omg" that's what I was thinking, or something like it. I guess those voices could've been in my head, I hope so anyways. I would rather it be voices than real people.

It's hard for me to stop caring what others think of me. And just recently found out that I had these voices in my head. They get louder the more I smoke, and they are extremely quiet while sober and I think they are the reason for my body dismorphia and my insecurities and my doubts. I hate them. I also hate the fact that I even started smoking in the first place. I wanna quit but a part of me doesn't. I think I should tho and stick with vapes for now. And try to quit those afterwards. Yk, one step at a time. But the thought of quitting weed gives me anxiety, so idk how I'm gonna turn out. 

I feel bad too cause I ruined meetings that my FH had with other students all because I was in a freaking out type of high. I hated that. Then I asked if we could write down on paper instead of talking out loud, but she said "so your high" loudly. And I stopped caring at the point. I was like "why would you say that out loud?" In a playful tone so I didn't sound threatening, and she apologized and I said it was okay. I started acting more relaxed. I felt better now that she knew.  I asked her for some food which she gave me. Then I was smiling still thinking of that ego booster, then acted like a mother fucking queen for the rest of the day. Now that I'm sober I want that feeling of not caring anymore. That feeling felt so good. But my anxiety is skyrocketed rn cause I'm sober and my thoughts are sorta clear.

I hate myself so much. I'm tired of trying to convince myself I do love myself. I feel like just sleeping for the rest of time. I don't wanna do anything anymore. I just wanna lay there. I hate this feeling. I hate everything honestly. I feel like my life is shit and I am shit and everything I do is stupid and pointless... I don't wanna feel anything anymore. I don't wanna think anymore. I don't wanna breathe or eat anymore. I just wanna... Be invisible. Watch but not do, yk? Life is just feeling like a hard chore. I don't wanna die but I also don't wanna live. I wanna stop having all this hard work to do, and just mellow the fuck out. I wanna stop caring, but it's hard not to. I'm tired of apologizing, and feeling like everything I do is wrong. I hate that I keep thinking everyone hates me, even tho I'm probably the sweetest person anyone could meet in person. I wanna stop smiling and I wanna just cry my fucking brain out. I wanna rip out my fucking eyes until I can't feel anymore. 

I hate this fucking hole in my chest and I hate how big it is and how I know it's only going to get bigger. I want help so bad, I'm so close to getting it but it's also to fucking far for me to reach. Idk if this is supposed to be a cry for help or not but... I truly need fucking help. I don't know what to do anymore. I stopped trying. I wish I had the energy to go on. I really wish I had the energy. I wanna stop caring so bad. I hate how much sympathy I have, and how much fucking regrets I have. I'm tired of overthinking and wish I could just not have those voices anymore.