Mind, Unedited.

Friends?

05.04.2023

Where and how do I begin to describe what I've been feeling lately? Feeling like I have no one to turn to, I try to resort to writing, which isn't one of my strongest suits. There is so much I want to do in this world (I think you do too) but for some unknown reason, every good thing slips right through my fingers and is never to be seen again. I think I've seen many people and circumstances, which makes me wonder how everyone holds themselves together while I fall apart like a taco split in half. I think I know what you're thinking- 'No we fall apart too, don't talk like you've known us our whole lives". That's fair of you, but my experiences of the world have turned me into this indecisive person who can't make up her mind regarding almost anything. I've recently been haunted by my history with friends. For some, it may feel trivial that I talk about friendship. Well if you have a few good people you can have fun with whenever you want to, trust me no one is happy for you than me. I feel like I'm unable to make friends the way many of you do. I'm not denying that I have friends. I do. It's just that It feels like I always end up doing whatever I want by myself. I don't understand that. When some of the people I know do something fun, other people tend to be there with them. But somehow I do everything by myself. I've tried everything in my power to romanticize it but in retrospect, the feeling is an ugly one which induces self-pity and anger. What is so wrong with me that in a world full of so many people I am unable to find a single person to go to the movies with me? Or to go on a nice little morning bicycle ride? Or to go for Ice cream? Or to have coffee? Or is something flawed in the way I perceive the world? Oh, the number of questions that I get when I start thinking about these is endless. It's a rabbit hole that I wish no one would go down in. I think I've been brought up in such a way that my independency was at times glorified at home, making me a socially unsuitable character. I am comfortable with myself but at times it would be good to have someone be there for me when I most want them to. I haven't had the chance to feel what it's like to have a friend who would no matter choose me instead of someone else. Since something like that didn't happen during my school days I highly doubt it would've happened in my college days (it did not). One hard part of being like this is that many times I've kind of trained my brain to be okay with doing things alone in hopes that I wouldn't expect anyone to accompany me for anything in the future. But it's done more harm than good because I'm tired of pretending to myself that I'm okay with whatever the universe throws at me. What I write now feels desperate but it's the only way I think I can get some personal closure, and I am highly ashamed to express such peculiar personal opinions to random people on Wattpad. You might not even understand what I'm saying, sorry if my thoughts were too spread out and confusing. Thank you for reading my rambling, Friend.

Sarayu :)