𝖯𝖺𝗉𝖾𝗋 𝖱𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌

chapter twenty-two | feelings

chapter twenty-two | feelings

NEVAEH STOLLY

I am in love with Zaiah Dolivo.

As he sits with his head on my lap, eyes closed, sleeping safe and sound, an overwhelming feeling of protection, love, and admiration makes home in my chest.

And it's not a friendly feeling. I wasn't feeling the same with Tam or Carl. Of course, I wanted to protect them and I admired them, but it felt different.

It was not like a kid loving her mother. Again, I wasn't feeling the same for my mother. Yes, I love her, I would walk on fire, cross the entire world, and give up on myself and everything that means life if that means I could see her happy and loved and merry. But again, it felt different.

But with Zaiah was totally different.

I wanted to be with him every second of the day, to hold his hand and never let it go, to take care of him, to hug all his pain away, to place a sweet kiss on his forehead every night, to hold and calm him down if he ever had a nightmare. I wanted to wake up next to him every morning and him drinking his coffee, me eating my pancakes. I wanted all of him. His kindness, love, pain, affection, fear, loneliness, and everything that means Zaiah Dolivo.

I want to love him completely. With every broken piece he has, I'll pick it up and put it back and glue it back together with kind words and laughter. With every tear he drops, I'll make sure to wipe it and replace it with a smile. With every bad thought he has, I'll make sure to restore it with a good memory.

"I'm sorry for what he did to you." Daisy interrupted my realisation that I am in love with her son.

She was looking at me with kind eyes through the rearview mirror.

We were still in the car, almost at Zaiah's house. "You don't need to apologise for what he did, Miss Daisy. You shouldn't even apologise. You all have been through worse. I am fine."

"Just because we've been through worse, that doesn't make your trauma less important, sweetie. You should care about yourself more."

I know she's right. Finding out that the car accident wasn't an accident really makes me sick to my stomach. But how could I worry about myself when Zaiah is next to me? Suffering in silence and somehow I'm the only one hearing him. I do care about myself. I care very much actually. I love myself to death. But I care about Zaiah a little more. I love Zaiah a little more than death itself. For some weird reason.

And like she read my mind earlier, she starts speaking with a soft voice. "This is what Zaiah would want."

And I move my gaze toward the boy sleeping in my lap. Does he really want that?

"Are you two gossiping about me?" Zaiah speaks in a tired voice as his mother stops the car in front of their house.

"Well, sweetie, I'm sorry you have to find out this way." Daisy is trying to make a joke and Carl actually smiles at his mother's words, Zaiah is laughing and I try my best to not burst out in tears because of this image.

Zaiah gets up from my lap and rubs his hand on his eyes because of the tiredness.

I get out of the car at the same time as the others and the cold air is hitting me in the face. "Well, I should go now," I announced to them.