apathy

"I would never cry for Gonta!"

"Who cares about that idiot!?"

"If only you had suspected me more, then Miu and Gonta wouldn't have died such meaningless deaths!"

Such sentences ring in Gonta's head like, no, worse than a case of tinnitus, repeating endlessly over and over until it was the only thing he could think about. Any remaining attention he had to continue watching the screen in front of him was lost.

Losing thought of Kaito attempting to fight back, only to fail and fall to the floor. Losing thought of Shuichi snapping after it all, only to be laughed at and mocked. Losing thought of Kaito's illness being revealed, and him pushing away those he held dear to him as a result.

Gonta lost the attention to continue, because he doesn't want to care anymore.

To not care.. it was almost a scary thought for the entomologist, because all his life he dedicated to caring about things, and people, and most importantly their problems. Gonta wanted to be there to help anyone no matter what situation they were in, because help was something he rarely ever received himself in his youth. And yet... Yet it seems that helping someone he thought was near and dear to him resulted in nothing but pain.

Pain. Pain that Kokichi was more than okay with inflicting, for the sake of the killing game.

Perhaps Gonta should have seen it coming, though. Kokichi never gave much of an attempt to make friends, being quick to turn them away by any means necessary. Though somehow he was able to get close enough to the leader for them to hang out more, grower decently close to be...

... Friends. Were they friends? If you would've asked Gonta this while he was in the game, there would be zero hesitation in his answer. Yes, of course Kokichi Gonta's friend. His greatest friend, in fact! But now... Why was he so doubtful? They hung out, they talked about their interests.. well Gonta at least enjoyed Kokichi's company. What was different about it now?

Well, thinking about it, perhaps it wasn't about what they did, but more so why. It seemed that most if not all of their meetings involved some sort of planning about.. stuff. Who's the mastermind, how do we stop the mastermind, how can we end the killing game, what do we plan to do after escaping the game,

yada

yada

yada.

As the game progressed, Gonta couldn't help but notice these kinds of questions become more frequent, and the talks of which bugs are nocturnal and which one's lived in trees the most faded into mere memories. It.. contrasted a lot as Gonta would watch his fellow classmates and their friend groups. Shuichi, Maki and Kaito hung out frequently and would train into the night. Tenko and Himiko would enthuse about magic together, even with their opposing personalities, with Angie occasionally dropping in to share about art and her God. Miu and Kiibo were of course quite a pair as they worked together to create useful little gadgets and inventions, while Kiibo also received upgrades to further his skills.

Of course they all most likely had their own conversations about how to stop the game and save everyone, but.. they made sure had fun together. They enjoyed each others company and became close to each other to ensure trust. Did Kokichi even trust Gonta to begin with? Well, he emphasized not trusting many people to prevent being betrayed, perhaps that's why.

...

. . .

Not trusting people to prevent being betrayed, the realization of such thought made Gonta laugh sadly. Kokichi always told him to not get too close to anyone, which Gonta did, and he ended up throwing him under the bus by the end of it. How ironic... How oh, so, fucking ironic.

Gonta's nails dug into the leather that lined the chair he sat on, tears glazing over his eyes blurring the still video that glowed in front of him. Tears.. he was no stranger to tears, but these were not of sadness, no.

These were tears of anger.

Why? Why did he have to fall for... Actually, no, Gonta was done taking the blame for someone who can't even bother to be straight for once? Could it be a truth for once, or another lie? Gonta didn't care anymore, he was so over having to be conflicted over who he could trust or not. He was over... All of this. This game, seeing his friends die, having to stay in recovery for God knows how long. Gonta was so...

So...

Tired.

Gonta was tired, by the end of it all. It didn't matter how sad or angry he was at the entire situation, because those emotions ended up burning out, leaving him exhausted. He sighed, blinking back into focus as he looked back to the TV. He was about to get up and turn it off, only to hear a creek at the door behind him. Gonta jumped a little, turning to find it was simply one of the nurse's entering into the AV room.

"Oh, there you are Gonta, I was wondering where you were." She spoke softly, walking closer to the entomologist. She was about to say something else, only to catch a glimpse of what was on the screen in front of them. Realizing what scene it was, the nurse's expression softened.

"Are you alright, dear?" She asked, to which Gonta takes a moment to respond. As much as he wants to be quick with an 'I'm fine', it was clear he wasn't, really.

"Gonta.. not know what he feeling..."

"That's okay, I understand." She nodded. "Would you like to come to my office so we can talk about it privately?"

"... Yes, please, if that okay, Miss Carli."

"Of course it is, Gonta, you know you're always welcome to come talk with me if you need to." She smiled, patting his shoulder.

Gonta nodded weakly in response, getting up from the chair with a huff as he took his walking cane to stand up properly. He goes up to the TV and switches it from the recap video, turning it off before turning to the nurse, following her out of the room and into the hallways.

Well, if there was one person Gonta knew he could trust the most, it was a nurse who knew what she was doing...

But perhaps trust is something he needs to relearn at this point.