Melting | an Everlark smut

Part 3

Peeta and I aren't talking as the blizzard starts in earnest. It has been a few hours, surely Gale is still alive or they would have come to back to tell me. I won't know until the storm ends, there is no way Prim and my mother can get home safely now.  Peeta is rolling a pencil between his fingers, staring into space, the page of his sketchbook blank. The lights at Haymitch's house turn off, barely visible through the swirling snow.

Desperate for sound other than the wind, I turn on the TV but am instantly revolted when I see a promotion for the voting on my wedding dress. I shut it off as quickly as I can. My fiancé remains silent. I have to agree with Haymitch. Riding out the storm together does seem pretty pointless.

"Peeta, look at me!" I shout, throwing the remote at the wall.

Startled, he finally looks up.

"I can't do this by myself. I need you to talk to me!" I move closer towards him on the couch. "I know this isn't what you wanted, it's not what either of us wanted, but please. I need you."

"I know you need me," he replies, and I realize he's angry too. "I know you need me, and I will do whatever you ask of me for the rest of my life, just please, give me some space so I can do this."

"Do what?"

"This!" he erupts. "I told you, I told the whole goddamn country how I feel about you, over and over! I can't love you this much and turn it off once the cameras are gone. This isn't a strategy or a performance for me. I can't keep torturing myself pretending this is real."

I am stunned.

"I'm sorry," he says, relenting. "I'm sorry. I know that's not fair. I know what we need to do, and I know why. I just need you to give me some space."

"I don't want to give you space," I say, regaining my voice.

"Katniss, seriously."

"No, you don't get to shut me out and decide how this is going to go. You've had years to know your feelings and I've only had months, and those months were the absolute worst of my life!" My voice is rising, trembling with anger and fear. "I'm so confused all the time and you're giving up! You're giving up on me right as I'm trying to figure out whether I can want this to be real. Why can't it be enough for now to know that I want you, that I care about you more than almost anyone else?"

I leap up, unable to face him any longer, embarrassed by my outburst. Peeta grabs my hand, stopping me.

"Tell me why you might want this to be real," he says, voice low.

"Because! Because when I'm with you..." I hesitate, my eyes meeting his. "You make me feel safe. Because you see me, you know me, and I don't have to pretend. Because when you kiss me..."

He leans forward, hand still tight around mine.

"When you kiss me, when no one's watching, I always want more."

But someone is always watching, will always be watching. For the rest of our lives we will be in the public eye, and there will always be someone, Snow and whoever succeeds him, weighing whether I am good enough.

I can't do this, can't untangle this knot. I don't know if I can love him. It was wrong of me to even admit that I might want to try. I try to move away again, but Peeta pulls me in and kisses me.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "This can be enough. I can give you time."

Willing away the cacophony of thoughts in my head, I kiss him back as the power stutters off. By the glow of the fire it hits me that, for the first time since he threw me that bread, we are actually alone.