Phantom Of The Labyrinth (the World Below)

distant

James' POV
Tw// T slur and internalized transphobia

I was back at home, I don't know what just happened, I was with B for one second and now I'm here. I sighed and limped over to the kitchen counter, I leaned on it and looked out the window. It was very early in the morning, I felt really tired, I looked at my watch, it was a Saturday. I should go to sleep. I limped upstairs and looked for my room, Once I was in there I took off B's jacket and examined it, it was pretty big on me and had many pockets, There were a couple of scrapes and small tears on it. It also had a faint scent of cinnamon, Once I finished looking at it I rested it on the end of my bed, flopped onto it, and fell asleep instantly.

An hour later...

I suddenly woke up again in a cold sweat, I felt so bad and so guilty, I left B behind, he's alone again like all the months he's been trapped there. I sigh and shove my face into my pillow, I try and think of something else but it can't drown out the guilt I feel. I sigh and just decide to have an early morning since I can't sleep well. I sat up and looked down at my leg, the bandage was lightly blood-stained and it still really hurt even after resting it. I slowly started to pull myself off my bed and slowly stepped onto the floor. a sudden spike of pain filled my leg, "dammit!" I whimpered. I sat back down on my bed as I felt exhaustion start to catch up with me again, I looked over to my nightstand and noticed my phone, I must have left it there. I reached over to it and checked it, 5 missed calls and 15 messages...
I opened it and they were from Dandi and Hashley, I couldn't be bothered to answer them back. I sighed loudly and laid back down, I should probably go back to sleep. I pulled the cover over me and tried to sleep but despite how tired I felt I couldn't get the thought of B out of my head. he is stuck there all alone he doesn't deserve this, he's kind, he's caring, he's a good person. he has so many good qualities. Thinking about it makes me feel guilty, it puts a bad taste in my mouth. Thinking about it he's not repulsive.....he's kind of attractive?... but I wouldn't think that right? it's a general fact... No that isn't right... a large group of people would say that but not me right? right!? god, this is hard, he has so many good qualities, he's strong, his voice is... soothing? Somehow despite his very obvious Welsh accent, probably the least soothing accent, always sounds confused. But my accent is not too soothing either, heck German sounds so aggressive.
He smells like cinnamon but that's not me being attracted to him right? I stare into the distance for a bit, I'm not gay, right? I feel my face grow red, right?! I hate him, I seriously do. Why am I so weird? I continue to think about B as I feel myself grow slightly flustered, this isn't right.
The whole thing with me finding out I'm trans was stressful enough, I thought I was done with this year's ago.

I looked down at myself.

And I haven't made much progress in transitioning. I just use this binder as an escape from the fact I'm feminine. I'm not even a real guy, what if B found out about this? He'd probably think I'm a freak. 'Ever heard of that tubby waste of space tranny?'

That reminds me. I had to take that damned binder off, and hope I didn't cause damage from wearing it for a while whole being quite active. I lifted my shirt off.

I sighed before taking off my binder, I hate taking it off. My chest really aches because I've been wearing it the whole time I had been stuck down there with B and the whole time I was at work. I wish I didn't have this thing.
Jesus Christ it aches like a motherfucker.

I laid back down feeling really tired now.
I pulled the cover over my head and hid my face in my pillow. I shut my eyes tight and felt my mind drift off...

My phone rang. I groggily woke up and grabbed my phone, it was dandi again. I reluctantly answered.

"Hello?" I say.

"James!? Where have you been, you haven't answered anyone, what happened?" Dandi sounded panicked.

"Oh.... I.." I paused as I tried to think of an excuse. "I... Lost my phone... Yeah."

"Oh... Seems like you lost it for a little while."

"Yeah..."

"You do realize we reported you as missing, we couldn't find you, where the fuck were you!?"

"I.... I gotta go." I hung up not wanting to continue the conversation.

I placed my phone back down and sighed as I stared up at the ceiling.
I wonder what B is doing...

Maybe he's just walking alone, maybe he's just forgotten me, he seems to be good at forgetting stuff any way. Maybe he's upset, or he's dead...

He couldn't possibly be dead he's been there for ages, and he seems to know his way round first aid.

I'm still really tired. It's quite cold here, I'll probably just get something warm on. I got up, cringing at the pressure put in my wounded leg.
I limped over to the wardrobe. I opened it before noticing, my oodies gone, the only thing that actually helps me keep properly warm. Probably in the wash.
I groaned before looking for something else. That's when I eyed up Bs jacket... He's given me it to warm up after shock, if he was here he probably wouldn't mind if I wore it for a bit.

No I can't, that's disrespectful. But it's just there, waiting for it to be used. I swallowed back those feelings before reluctantly picking it up.

I examined it again. It was obviously quite worn, but it had its charm to it. It was also practical, with the pockets and how it keeps you warm. I then put it on.

I've worn it before but this feels different. The coat was obviously made for someone with a taller body, based on how its hem was just over half of my thighs and was obviously for someone Skinner than me. It was slightly snug but it was fairly, comfortable?

I felt my face go red slightly, not this feeling again. I mean it's very nice if him to lend me this, I mean it even smells strongly like cinnamon. It smelt like him, it was comforting. I felt myself get a little flustered. Out of all the people why am I...

Why am I so... No I can't think of him that way, I was the one who thought he would steal my organs at first.

But lending a jacket is quite the more romantic... No, fuck no.

I wonder what it would probably be like to be with him. Fuck, why am I only now like this.

I can't be like this, I hate him.

I crept towards my bed before taking off the jacket.
Am I in love?