,,
I can't sleep, can't rest, and i've been eating 3 times my weight every day. I feel like i've been seeing Haejoon every damn second of my life at school.
That's ironic, cause before realizing my chemical imbalance towards him, i complained about his lack of presence...
I take a paper out of my drawer.
I couldn't focus in class, so i just ripped a page of my only notebook to write the most important matter at hand at the moment :
How do i deal with myself and that bastard.
Plan A : Ignore Haejoon, repress feelings until they go away (Note to myself : won't work) and act as normal as possible.
Plan B : Panic and try to get closer to him.
Plan C : Cry because it's not working and he rather spend time studying with Juwan.
Plan D : Die.
After going through a lot of smart and useful ideas, i reach plan Z ;
Plan Z : Maybe confess, maybe get accepted, maybe hug, maybe kiss, maybe get married, maybe get a good job as a cook, maybe buy a house together, maybe sleep together, maybe cook dinner since i finish work earlier so we can eat watching series and he's in charge of cleaning the dishes,,,(Another note to myself : my demons won)
Once again, Heart loses against itself and starts running 40 marathons. But this time it's not as exciting, not as joyful. It's a bit sad actually. Plan Z is a bit sad actually.
That's just a fantasy in a parallel universe humans didn't discover yet, i bet this me is super happy and enjoying his life right now !!!
Even if, hypothetically, theorically, maybe, perhaps, in a weird and complicated context, i were to make my way through the first stage of grief, denial, and build up courage to confess, he would never accept.
The best reply possible would be something like "oh sorry but i have to focus on my studies.." or "oh sorry i don't think i'm ready for a relationship yet..".
I'm not gonna imagine the worst possible one, cause i'll only hurt myself.
While ruminating, i take my phone to look for some comfort when...
12th october, 4:30pm.
