Never Knew I Needed (Chaelisa)

Chapter 24

"You're moving to London? What? When? How long for?"

It feels like someone's simultaneously punched me in the stomach, ripped my lungs and heart out and then choked me, and I try to take in Rosé's reaction as Jaehyun questions her, just for confirmation, but I can't seem to focus on anything. My vision's blurred, my mind dizzy and I feel so out of it, almost like I'm not even here and I'm not sure whether I want to be sick or whether I'm going to pass out.

And I need some grounding. I need something to hold me down and thankfully, Jisoo must see it because her hand sneaks behind me and rests against the small of my back, adding a little pressure and it seems to clear some of the blurriness but not all of it.

"It's only for a year," Rosé whispers and I hear the way her voice trails off, her eyes locking on to my profile but I can't look at her. "Maybe a little longer, but I'll only find out when I'm there... but, um," she pauses and gulps and I know I'm definitely about to pass out when she says, "I'm leaving on the second," because it's too soon.

Though it seems I'm not the only one to realize it.

"Rosie," Jisoo gasps. "That's in four days."

Hearing it out loud only kills me a little more, and I feel my heart flutter nervously inside with every passing second of silence because I can feel Rosé's eyes on me and I know I should be reacting at some point but I can't. I don't know whether I need to feel hurt and upset that she's leaving, or rather leaving me behind; whether I should congratulate her as this opportunity is incredible and I know from her briefly talking about it that only the best students get picked; or whether I should be pissed that she didn't tell me she was applying for it because this is just so out of the blue.

Maybe if I'd known I'd feel a little better about it.

Maybe if I'd known, I would've known how to react.

Maybe if I'd known, I wouldn't feel like I've just been hit by a ten tonne truck.

"I know... but—guys, please say something," Rosé begs, and I know she said guys but it was directed toward me.

But I can't answer. I just squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head a little before I stand. "I need to go to the bathroom," I blurt out and don't even bother waiting for anyone to respond or for anyone to ask if they can join me before I'm making a beeline for the bathroom, pushing open the door forcefully and stumbling inside.

I brace myself by one of the sinks, taking in deep, steady breaths, trying to regulate my breathing because it feels like I'm hyperventilating; and as a kid, my mom always taught me to breathe into a brown paper bag, but it's not exactly like I have one handy and so this will have to do.

Slowly but surely, I begin to calm down, my chest not moving as rapidly and my vision comes back... Along with my thoughts.

I really don't know what I'm going to do now; the plan was to tell Rosé that I was in love with her and see where it went from there, hopefully ask her to be my girlfriend and then get on with life happier than ever. But now I'm stuck. On one hand I want her to be happy. I want her to go to London and I want her to have that internship and follow her dreams, because I know for sure if it were the other way around, she'd support me. But on the other hand, I want to tell Rosé I'm in love with her and make her stay. I don't want her to leave because these past months have been the best of my life, and all because of her.

And I know I was never a sure thing with Rosé, I know we started out as friends with benefits and transpired into something more, and I know that if Rosé and I are meant to be together, the time will come and we will be together, but why can't that be now? Why can't we be happy for once? Why can't I get what I want? Why do I have to make a really fucking hard decision?