Never Knew I Needed (Chaelisa)

Chapter 32

"So... how'd you wanna start?"

I'm a little unsure of how this kind of thing is supposed to go. I've never really had to discuss my feelings with anyone before because they've never been this strong. Shit, I've never been in love before, and I've never had to really think about my words to make sure I don't come out of this situation with a broken heart.

"Um," Rosé wets her lips and shifts in her seat, tucking her leg beneath her and resting her hands on her lap. "I guess, we should clear the air first."

Not what I was expecting, I cock my head to the side, confused.

"Clear the air?" I repeat, feeling a little lost.

"Yeah," she confirms with a nod of her head. "We need to get the anger and resent out before we can move forward."

"I'm not angry or resentful."

Rosé's face falls and disappointment flashes behind her eyes. It makes my stomach sink.

"You can't say that, Lisa," she says and looks away quickly. "You can't tell me you weren't pissed and hurt that I left." She glances back at me, her lips sucked into her mouth. "I know you were."

I think back to March, back to when I went from being clinically depressed to irrationally angry at Rosé's departure. I think about how I was angry at everything; how I would lash out at inanimate objects, throw lamps and other items about and scream at myself in the dead of night because I just couldn't sleep. I remember how I would actually snarl at people who gave me funny looks, scare away customers at work and yell at strangers who accidentally brushed past me on the street.

I remember how I even went as far as putting my fist through my bathroom mirror, breaking a knuckle and scarring my skin, and I can't deny that I wasn't angry. I was livid.

Still, I don't want Rosé to know that. I was in a bad place, I was hurting, I was scared, I was broken.

I don't want her to know that I have the potential to do that, to become a monster, that I became a monster, but I can't lie to her.

So I just admit it.

"Okay," I let out through a breath and raise my eyes to hers. "I was angry," I lift a shoulder. "I was pissed off, I was hurt, I was lonely, and I was broken." I swallow and chew on my lip for a second. "I hated you for what you did to me," I choke out and I see her flinch at my words, but I don't take them back. This is sorting it out. "I hated that you didn't warn me, I hated that you didn't even try and talk to me," I find myself shaking my head and sucking in my lips, heat prickling at my eyes. "But most of all..." I take in a deep, shaky breath and prepare myself. "I hated that you could just leave like that. So easily."

Rosé's eyebrows knit together, her face contorts with pain and I hate that I'm about to cry. I hate that I feel so fucking vulnerable and I don't want to open up like this because the last time I did, it only brought me hurt. But I know if I want to get Rosé, if I want to make her mine, I'm going to have to push past it. Getting what I want has never been easy, in any situation, and usually the things I have to fight for are the things that are worth it, that are the best, in the end.

"It wasn't easy, Lisa," Rosé finally says and I square my jaw, my lips trembling and eyes dropping.

She reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing it until I'm glancing back up at her and when she speaks, her voice is serious and low in a way I'm not privy, too. Rosé's usually sunshine, rainbows and smiles, and it's strange to see her like this, but I know that she's only like this when she's one hundred percent serious about something and it makes my heart clench because I know she's serious about me.