𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐊𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 (Ash Trilogy #3) ✔️

32

The nights are never silent here. 

It's been five days. Five days of no answers, five days of being stuck in these four walls, five days of never sleeping because I don't have Snow beside me.

I've been trying to have the memories of that night come back to me. I lay on the most uncomfortable bed, if you can even call it that, and try so hard to remember. But I can't. I can't remember anything. I still don't know if that moment of her finding my diary was real, and if it was, I'm not sure when the memory ended and the hallucination began. 

But there's one thing I know. And that's the fact that I did not kill her. 

I wouldn't have hurt her. Ever. No matter what had happened that night, no matter how she reacted to finding my diary, no matter what she said to me. I would've never killed her.

Nobody has given me any further information. I've screamed at guards to come and tell me what the fuck happened, but they walk right past me like I don't even exist. 

The hallway lights slowly turn on from left to right, like dominos. My eyes wince since I was used to the darkness. Other prisoners had been making noises all night, but that wasn't the reason I didn't sleep. 

"Up, inmates," the officers order to everybody as they walk down the hall. I know it's 7 am because that's when they wake us up every day. 

I don't really feel attached to my body as I get up from my bed. I've gotten so little sleep that I actually feel delirious. But, late at night and feeling that way, makes me sometimes see Snow. And that is the only time I feel happy. 

The same guard that always does unlocks my cell. I haven't been leaving my cell very often, only for meals which are required. But I don't go anywhere else.

I shuffle down the hallway, walking like a zombie in the line of prisoners that head to the cafeteria. 

The same, horrible smell reaches my nose as I enter. 

Everybody begins to line up for food. Dozens of guards stand around the room, resting their hands on their guns, ready in case anything happened. My eyelids feel sunken in. My hair feels messy. As I move down the line, getting the shitty breakfast put onto my plate, I feel as if I'm a ghost. 

I sit at a table alone. Some of the other prisoners have clearly been here for long amounts of time. There are groups together that sit like they're friends. They talk. Laugh. As if they aren't in here for something horrible.

There were many different reasons that could've resulted in me ending up here, behind bars, wearing an orange jumpsuit. When I killed that kid, Marcel, Dr. Levigne, and the secretary. But not Snow's murder, not the death of the love of my life. She can't be dead. She can't be dead because I didn't kill her. 

I have to force myself to eat this bland food. As I sit in this cafeteria surrounded by men that are the worst of the worst, I decided I would sell my soul to be eating a cupcake with Snow right now. Even if it cursed me to a young and terrible death, I would take it for that one moment with her. 

"Alright, the hour of outside time starts now," one of the officers shouts across the cafeteria. 

I hear the sound of everybody else getting up. They always go outside. But I never have. 

I set the plastic spoon down and rise to my feet. I begin my zombie walk back to my cell.

"Not so fast," an officer steps in front of me, putting his hand on my shoulder. "You've gotta go outside today. The cells are being cleaned right now."

I stare at him. Blankly. Doesn't he know that I could fucking kill him? Doesn't he realize how easy it would be for me to grab his gun and shoot him in the head?