Lethe Vita

Chapter 18

Regrets were a foreign concept to her.

She didn't often have them.

She had one, now; that she had made her decision alone.

At the time, it had seemed the best option.

Perhaps she thought letting other people in would allow them to change her mind.

When Steve never returned her call, Clare had debated contacting Donna or Kelly and asking them to coax Steve into speaking with her.

She had then imagined his reaction on both ends of the emotion spectrum and decided that Steve would prefer to not know.

Clare had been terrified that telling her father would hinder any recovery he had made.

It hadn't been one of her easier decisions to go it alone, or to go through it in a small clinic purposely chosen a train ride away in The Netherlands so that it would both be legal and Clare wouldn't be able to comprehend any of the medical terminology spoken to her, but it had been the decision she felt to be the best one.

Clare understood enough Dutch to be able to answer in the negative when asked if she carried any hesitancy.

She had lied, for hesitancy had consumed her.

She had come to the conclusion that she couldn't raise a child by herself. Maybe someday, if she married, divorced, and became a single mother, or chose to raise a child sans marriage, but not then.

Adoption. Clare had considered adoption when first receiving the results.

Adoption meant she would have to carry to term. Adoption meant more medical bills to add on top of her father's that were already amounting. Adoption meant less of a chance of focusing on grad school.

Adoption meant the opportunity to change her mind at the last possible second.

Adoption had not been the right answer for Clare.

She hadn't planned to tell Steve. Perhaps she would have, eventually; perhaps she wouldn't have, had drink not poured out the veritas for her.

Now that Steve knew, Clare expected him to never speak to her again.

The issue was, Clare had committed to help Dylan help Brenda. She wouldn't back out of her commitment just because she ran the risk of seeing Steve.

"You do not have to do this," said Kai. He had been the one person Clare had told when they had become close enough for Clare to consider Kai a confidante.

"I do," said Clare. "Steve and I have our problems, but those problems don't have to prevent me from helping Bren. She needs to keep improving more than I need to avoid Steve."

"Sanders will, as you say, come around," said Kai.

"I don't think he will," said Clare. "And I can't really blame him if he doesn't. He's probably questioning if I ever truly loved him."

"Because of your abortion?" asked Kai.

"No," said Clare. "Because I had one without talking to him first. This isn't a question of choice, Kai. It isn't Steve trying to deny my rights. I don't know how he would have reacted. He might've driven me to the clinic himself; he might've asked me to think about it. The point is, I could've tried harder to find out his reaction. I didn't. He knows it. I know it."

"This should be a relief to you," said Kai. "You have finally managed to get Steve Sanders to leave you alone. Isn't that what you wanted since the moment he stole your notes?"