Lethe Vita

Chapter 17

Melancholia was not in Steve Sanders' nature.

Whereas Dylan was often surrounded by gloom, Steve personified cheer. Even in his more questionable moments, Steve was known to find the silver lining; or rather a gold lining that would spin his despair into a money-making venture.

It was, therefore, unsettling for Brandon to be accompanied by a Steve who had barely spoken two words since they had arrived in Tartu.

On a night out when even willing women couldn't draw Steve's eye, Brandon sat him down.

"Out with it," said Brandon.

"Out with what?" asked Steve.

"You've turned down a redhead and a blonde," said Brandon. "Something's bothering you. Out with it. Is it about Clare?"

"Clare." Steve scoffed. "I don't ever want to hear that fucking name again."

Brandon was startled. "So it is about Clare."

"Tell me, Brando, am I really so repulsively immature that someone could hate me enough to completely blow up my life without thinking twice?"

"Woah, slow down there, Big Guy. What happened?"

First, Steve asked for confirmation that Brandon had never told anyone about their secret Brandon had sworn to conceal eight years before.

"I swore, didn't I?" asked Brandon. "Never told a soul."

"Can you make room for a second thing you'll never tell anyone?"

"If you're dying, this is a really shitty way for you to tell me."

"I'm not dying, but getting slammed by a monster truck sure makes it feel like I am."

"Steve."

"What would you do, Brando? If hypothetically your ex-girlfriend told you she got rid of it?"

"Got rid of what?"

Steve jerked his head to indicate that Brandon could figure it out on his own.

"Wait." Brandon gawked. "Fuck. Was Clare -"

"Pregnant, yeah," said Steve. "Pregnant with my kid and instead of call Kelly or Donna to drag my ass out to Paris so I could be there for Clare's decision, she left me one measly voicemail she knew I would ignore and then got rid of my kid while I was on the other side of the fucking ocean, and a whole damn country."

"Damn," said Brandon. "That's rough."

"You think?" Acid dripped from Steve's words. "Worst part, Brando? Clare's body. Her decision, right? So I can't even be mad about it, can I?"

"How'd you find out?" Brandon asked rather than respond to Steve's question.

"Clare told me," said Steve. "And she'd been drinking when she did so who knows if she would've ever told me if she hadn't."

"Would you have wanted it?" Brandon ventured.

"I don't know," said Steve. "At the time? Probably not. Now, with being around Bren and Dylan and their excitement for their own kid? Maybe. It would've been nice to at least be consulted from the girl I thought loved me. We could've talked about it, maybe put the kid up for adoption and then I could find him years later when my life was more solid."

"Not everyone ends up with an adoptive mother like yours, Steve."

"I know. I just – I hate that the whole time Jody tried to convince me she was having my kid, Clare actually was. Or had been. One of those."